Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Sacred Cows Of Sports Broadcasting

We dream of a day in which any of these are put on the grill. Mmm, sanctified meat....

> Highlights with catch phrases are better than highlights without catch phrases.

> Any time an athlete performs a charitable act, it must be reported.

> Timeouts are Good at least 98% of the time. The other 2%, they're outstanding.

> The Head Coach puts in incredibly long hours due to his superhuman work ethic -- not because he enjoys being an absent father, micro-manager, or media whore.

> Guys with good character win while guys with bad character lose, and the public enjoys having its sports entertainment reduced to the level of Goofus and Gallant.

> The public never travels or indulges in regional cuisine, so they live vicariously through the gastronomic exploits of broadcasters.

> The broadcast crew, including the camera operators and the technical personnel, must be mentioned and thanked at the end of every season on the air. A specific individual on said crew must also be described as wacky or crazy.

> The entire league is filled with respect and admiration for the character of Aging and Injured Superstar Who Has Never Won A Championship.

> The game that you are watching is not sloppy or dull -- it is a "defensive battle*.

> The athletes you are watching are in incredible shape (Note: Also applies to obese pro wrestlers, pitchers, field goal kickers, bowlers and golfers).

> Athele With An Actual Degree is quite beloved by his intellectual lesser teammates, because everyone always loves people who know more than they do.

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