Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Top 10 Tips For Sports Blog Traffic

Here at The Sports Blog That Loves You Back, we're always concerned with making sure that the site's traffic continues to grow, as part of our plan to Conquer Antarctica. But as the links to other fine sports blogs (down and to the right) show, we also like to give back to the community.

So, for the fellow bloggers and Internet professionals in the audience, we proudly present our top 10 tips for increasing your site's traffic.

1) Ass Kissing

Smooch the glutes of the no-life, no-talent humorless jerks who have more highly trafficked sites than yours by finding their weak spots. Will Leith at Deadspin wants salacious PAP -- Photoshopped Athlete Photos -- that he can pin to the bedroom walls in the basement of his parent's house. (We know, Will, we know -- rent's expensive!) Dan Shanoff at likes it when you call him mean names like Ex-Lemur, Bag Your Face and Jason Whitlock. Bill Simmons, we're told, is disturbingly into watching fat girls wrestle. But hey, who isn't?

And if you want to suck up to us, just repost our entire columns whole, on your own site, because we're your friend. That gives us a big ol' stiffie.

2) Current events

Bridge topical concerns with perennial points of interest. Does your PAP also show an athlete using one of those free brand-new iPhones!? The world should know!

3) Whore yourself

What's the matter, you little baby, you're too proud to put your name and photo in front of others in a modified Hot Or Not contest that will leave you emotionally scarred? You just don't want it enough.

4) Whore others

Through the careful use of flattery, insults and swag (the posters get shirts! that's just the way it is!), you can attract a top-notch team of writers to feed your need for attention.

Hint: shirts are big.

5) Whore strangers

Pretend all you want, but the Internet is for porn. See the photo at the top of this post? It's gotten us hundreds of visitors, from all over the world, for months on end.

It is, by the way, a wooden dildo -- and the only one endorsed by Kobe Bryant. Obey your thirst and order one today!

6) Tech fun!

Through the use of Technorati, RSS feeds, email sign-ups, talking avatars, meta tags and coding and the little-known but highly effective method of Instant Message spam of anyone who has ever given you their address, you too can increase the number of ways that people see your work. Remember, shamelessness is the new hotness. At least, that's what that pantywaist Dan Shanoff says. (Just 500 more votes, and we'd have uglied up his pretty face...)

7) Cheap Heat

This term from the world of pro wrestling involves calling out the residents of YOUR TOWN HERE as being particularly stupid, odorous or effeminate. It can be surprisingly effective by telling Yankee fans that their team is under .500, Red Sox fans that no one outside of their fan base thinks they're adorable, and Cubs fans by telling them that Wrigley's a Crap Hole. Try it for yourself!

(Wrestling, for the younger members of the audience, was the form of popular sports entertainment that was nearly universally shunned after Chris Benoit decided to decorate his house with corpses, and his organization decided to give a three-hour eulogy in his memory. Look it up in the history books.)

8) Keywords

Sprinkle your posts with words that people are searching for. Solid performers this week include FREE iPhone, Chris Benoit, Kobe Bryant, titty, and the oldie but goodie, Tinkerbell Hatefuck. It's surprisingly effective!

9) Gambling -- er, fantasy sports -- oh, OK, gambling

Nothing gets you the repeat business quite like a daily dose of gambling knowledge. As FTT is the proud home of three of Dave Stewart's balls -- the man is talented -- you can be assured that your rent money is safe with our counsel.

10) Lists! Everybody loves lists!


Anonymous said...

11. Put a link to your blog posts on :)

By the way, great blog you have here... loved the lists!

The Big Picture said...

nice post! in a perfect world, this post alone would have gotten 1,000,000 hits.

EM said...

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EM said...

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