the fans of the following MLB teams. (There are others, of course, but to go beyond five would be to cheapen the sentiment of a vomiting puppet.)
Look at the bright side -- in six months, it'll be over. (And yes, this link is the first useful thing I've gotten from Bill Simmons in months. Grudging hat tip to his readers.)
Friday, March 30, 2007
For non-clickers -- Tom Coughlin just compared his treatment in the NY media last year to being on par with Adolph Hitler. No, really!
Here's the meat of the quote, from the Associated Press:
When he was asked at the NFC coaches breakfast by a football Web site reporter whether he paid attention to what was being said about him last season, Coughlin replied: "I hear some of it and I see it. You know (VP of communications Pat) Hanlon tells me about it, what's going on." Then, he paused, and said, "Hitler and then me, in that order. Unfortunate, but it is."
Five (Tool Tool) points from this...
1) The full 2007 NFL schedule has not yet been released, so we don't know yet if there will be a bi-coastal battle of the Coach Hitlers, aka Giants-49ers. Make it happen, NFL! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!
2) Can we stretch this analogy further? Cause we are so seeing Jeremy Shockey as Goebbels, Eli Manning as Goering, and Tiki Barber as Albert Speer. (We know our Nazis!)
3) Are any other Eagles fans ready to make Jerry Jones into Tojo and Daniel Snyder into Mussolini? E-mail your Photoshop works here. This is a *community* effort, people.
4) Did we inspire this with our Martin ("No one left to speak for me") Niemöller post about booing? We so totally did.
5) Who is the Leni Riefenstahl of the Giants? Not saying we're into the whole whips and leather boots and... um... we've probably said too much. (Photoshop Photoshop PhotoShop!)
Let's review some facts here:
The fact that you think you should be with the team is a joke. This is about your ego and not being able to deliver on it's enormous size. What happened to this quote you threw out a couple years ago:
"It's not about personal achievements or personal wins, it's about winning as a team."
Prior also threw out some witty sarcasm about making the Triple-A All-Star Game "and maybe the Futures Game." Sadly Mark, you have to have a future to make that team.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
GTA4: FAQ - "UGIE'S MONEY"
Ugie wants you to get his money back by taking out five workers on his farm that he thinks have been stealing money from him. This mission requires you to use a flame thrower.
Find any car, and then jack it. Use the back roads to get to the farm, then pick up the flamethrower. Park in the circle near the workers to trigger the cut scene.
UGIE: Who has my money? You think you can steal from Ugie? You gonna burn!
At this point, the workers will scatter. Switch from the flamethrower to fists to run faster, then go left to get the first two. You can use the flame thrower when you get close, but it's easier to wound them with a machete or handgun, then finish them off when they are on the ground with the flame thrower. Just make sure to burn them, or the mission will fail.
After you've gotten the first three co-workers, you will be looking at least a two-star wanted level. Since this isn't a timed mission, you can go to the MLB Union Pay N' Spray to get it back to zero. Just be aware that after the fourth burning death, you will have four stars, and the Pay N' Spray will only work temporarily.
Despite the difficulty from the cops (and the 14-year penalty for failure will have you going back to your saved game), this is one of the most fun missions in GTA Venezuela, right up there with the Chavez Chevron missions for sheer hand-to-hand action. Watching the co-workers writhe, twist and scream in agony is a truly guilty pleasure. When you complete this mission, you get $1,000, Respect, and you unlock the El Guapo missions.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
After 8 more hours at the salt mine that we call our desk, plowing through way too much complete corporate bullshit, something in us snapped.
So we're going to go on a killing spree. Tri-state area, you've been warned (because, when killing, it's important to travel).
But before we put on the ski mask, we pledge the following:
1) We will not Change The Game.
2) There will be no Shifting of Paradigms.
3) Your Mindshare is your own.
4) There will be absolutely No Synergy.
5) This Is a Country. There are others.
6) Our podcast does not exist.
7) There will be no FTT 2.0.
8) We have no Mobile Play.
9) We do not care about your Long Tail.
10) Products will be placed elsewhere. Sometimes violently.
And yes, I work in marketing, and have no problems sleeping. (Clip below is Not Safe For Work, and from A Personal Hero.)
You know it's March each year when the weather gets a little warmer, kids are on Spring Break and Roy Williams is crying at a press conference. Every year (except when he won in 2004 he didn't cry - strange) the same thing from "Ol Roy."
Monday, March 26, 2007
AL East - Yanks, Sox (WC), Jays, O's, Rays.
AL Central - Chicago, Cleveland, Minny, Detroit, Kansas City.
AL West - Oakland, Texas, Angels, Mariners.
NL East - Philly, Mets (WC), Marlins, Braves, Nats.
NL Central - St. Louis, Cincy, Chicago, Houston, Milwaukee, Pittsburgh.
NL West - LA, Padres, Rockies, D-Backs, Giants.
Playoffs: Dodgers over Phils, Mets over Cards, Dodgers over Mets. Chicago over Yanks, A's over Sox, Chicago over A's. Dodgers over Chicago.
AL MVP - A-Rod (bounce-back year, Jeter gets hurt)
NL MVP - Poo Holes
AL Cy Young - Johan
NL Cy Young - Carpenter
AL ROY - Delmon Young
NL ROY - Chris Young
Post your own in the comments, or not.
Peter Gammons has taken some time off from his usual biased Red Sox updates to create some conspiracy news of his own. Gammons claims (without any sources or facts to back up these claims) on his latest ESPN blog that the 2002 MLB All-Star game ending in a tie because one of the pitchers was in the clubhouse drinking and couldn't pitch. Here is the text from his blog:
And that's how home-field advantage is decided in the World Series, not by regular-season excellence. But then again, what owner thinks about the guys who spend their money on tickets?"
Sunday, March 25, 2007
1) Testy tells teammates that he wants to retire at season's end to spend more time with his family.
We don't know Testy's family, but... um... he's 6'-7", 245, with a history of, well, being Ron Artest. Has anyone asked the family what they want?
2) In the same day, Raffy Furcal goes off on a cart, Chone Figgins is out six weeks with fractured fingers, Joel Piniero loses the job to Jon Papelbon, FTT gets crushed in the Battle of the Blogs, and the Post Office loses our tax info.
Yeah, it's been that kind of week.
3) Joe Theismann, out, at MNF, to be replaced with Ron Jaworski.
What will you remember most? Me neither.
4) Peyton Manning hosted SNL, and it had a good moment.
We are talking about, of course, the United Way spoof where The Good Manning wounds children, tries to boost a car, and talks about how he treats snitches. We, of course, did not watch; SNL is what YouTube is for. (And the ability to include a YouTube clip was what a more competent blog is for, until NFL Adam gave up the knowledge.)
5) The Final 4 involves UCLA (Yay, Bill Walton is hap... oh crap), Georgetown (who the 'Cuse, of course, *OWNED*), Florida (what, again?), and THE Ohio State Annoyance.
And we're supposed to root for who?
P.S. from MediaWeek... The Peyton Manning-hosted Saturday Night Live on March 24 earned the show’s highest household rating in more than 10 months in the metered markets, averaging a 5.9 rating and 15 share.
In the Indianapolis market, where Manning plays for the NFL Colts, the show averaged a 23.0 rating and 49 share, four times SNL’s average in the market during the recent February sweeps.
Friday, March 23, 2007
On the first day of the Battle of the Blogs, the Truth did FTT proud and jumped out to a big lead.
Unfortunately, he's shown the staying power of a pimply 15-year-old getting to second base with a crack whore.
Tonight's 0-for-3 debacle dropped us back to 22nd, 19K points behind the leaders. The saddest part? There are only 33 entrants in the contest.
We were going to go all Big Stein on him, but we're pretty sure he's got bigger problems than us, from people who watch "The Sopranos" for research. But that doesn't mean you can't clean your shoes on what's left of his face in the comments.
In short, and in our native tongue: BOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Update -- The Truth has decided to Go Big or Go Home by putting our whole bankroll on tonight's games. Home is a 7-point favorite.
Further Update -- 6-2 night brings us back to 5th. We always believed in you, Truth, but just to not lose the momentum.... BOOOOOOOOO... THOSE 2 LOSSES SHOWED NO HEART... BOOOOOOO....
Final Update -- A brutal final day takes us from 5th to 21st, and deader than Duke. I blame the media.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Mon. April 9 -- Opening Night - Commemorative Cap Snafflers
Sat. April 28 -- Truth Bobble Wallet
Sat. May 12 -- Adopt a Methadone Addict Day
Tues. May 15 -- Knit Condoms (12 and under)
Sun. June 3 - Smallpox Blankets
Sat. June 16 -- Shot Glasses (12 and under)
Sun. July 8 - Build-A-Baby (Women only)
Sat. Aug 4 - Drunk Guy Fireworks (oh, the drama!)
Tues. Aug 28 -- DMtShooter Beanie Adult
Sun. Sep. 16 -- FTT Belt Hat
Sun. Sep. 30 -- Singular Fan Appreciation Moment
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
(Item: Kevin Federline has launched his own search engine, Searching With Kevin.com.
The remainder of this column was written by the Snarker6 WriterBot, as lead writer DMtShooter is in the hospital from a severally exploded cranium.)
As FTT continues to grow in stature (witness our early domination of the Battle of the Blogs, our page view climbs into the severals, and the upcoming debut of dubiously anonymous comments), the challenge of monetizing the site's traffic continues to build.
As we are an interactive community, by which we mean you get to interact with our brilliance, we put it to you, the reader -- how do you want us to pimp you bitches
1) "Girls Gone Wild" adware
2) "Targeted" keyword ad banners that put the Ummm in Umbarrassing
3) Bukake pop-ups
4) E-mail contest registration for NAMBLA cross-promotion
5) Indentured servitude at the FTT Manse (Dammit, these julips aren't going to make themselves!)
6) Mandatory use of the FTT Search Engine (hint: it only brings back page entries from FTT-Approved Blogs -- so Battle of the Blog competitors, you *know* what to do in the Sweet Sixteen)
Vote early and often in the comments. (And if you're outraged by any of these proposals, please take it up with Our Google Overlords, who bought Blogger, which hosts FTT... and your comments... and your last 24 months of search results. All hail the Overlords!)
Monday, March 19, 2007
RP - JJ Putz (7)
Sunday, March 18, 2007
FTT hates to sound like a broken record, but here's a short list of Beloved Massholes that the rest of the country, um, doesn't really like. Just so you're aware.
(FTT's childhood was spent playing Bird vs. Erving, and only giving up the game when Doc won 256-0, with Bird shooting a perfect 0% from the floor, because Doc blocked every shot he took, or stolen the ball before he could get it off. Larry also had a bit of a problem shaking the glass out of his hair, as Doc broke the backboard 25 times on him. Hard day for Larry.)
(Special Bonus Massholes: Mitt "I will protect a woman's right to choose... until it is no longer advantageous for me to do so" Rommney and John "Donate to my campaign, so that me and my billionaire wife can keep tens of millions of dollars of the money for no good reason" Kerry. FTT is bipartisan in its hate!)
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
1) Pete Rose says he bet on the Reds every night. 3 points...
a) An entire generation of sports fans will know Pete Rose only for this. Nice legacy, Pete.
b) Every night? Even when "Boom Boom" Tommy Hume was taking the mound? Pete didn't have a gambling problem. He had a brain problem.
c) The real reason he said this? Because by claiming to bet on the Reds every night, he's clinging to the hope that people will think this wasn't a big deal. Pete, FTT gives you 7-to-2 that ship has sailed. Did you bet the same amount every night, with the same guy? If not, did you manage the bullpen a little differently on the light night?
That's why gambling is worse than roids, drugs, and Bud Selig. As in 1919...
2) Phil Jackson claims the NBA is out on a witch hunt for Kobe "Elbows" Bryant.
First off, he's probably right. Reggie Miller did stuff like this for, oh, 15 years, with no issues.
Secondly, we love it when the Zen Guy goes all obvious with his media manipulation. It's this kind of genius that has got all of those rings on his fingers. Plus hanging out with Jordan, Shaq and Kobe. That helped, too.
Third and last, which foreign guard will he get next? Our money is on Leandro Barbosa, only because he's scared of Raja Bell.
3) 10,000 slots are open for World Series of Poker.
Good grief, people. FTT likes a nice friendly neighborhood game as much as the next guy, but please -- you are not athletes, no one should care, and if you're watching this, don't you have gutters to clean?
FTT remembers a time when you actually had to work for a living, rather than win a karaoke contest, be the biggest jerkface on an island, or win the endurance ass-sitting and lying session. (Not like us, of course. We've *earned* that massive ad campaign and clothing line. Yahtzee!)
4) A-Rod wants to stay in New York...
and... zzz.... um, he does know that no one outside of New York could give a flying fuck at a rolling donut, right? No, of course not.
FTT wants A-Rod to go Steve Carlton on us, and would be happy to contribute to a fund, managed by a dozen Illuminati Jewish bankers in Zurich, to make it happen.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
We don't like to usually point this out to you, Gentle Reader, but FTT is Better Than You.
Now, we don't just expect you to take something like that lying down; we expect you to take it on all fours, which is altogether different.
But here's the proof: We've been invited into a sports bloggers only NCAA basketball competition.
And unless you are one of the dozens of other people who got spammed like this, you are not. Hence, the graphic.
"But FTT!" you say, as we indulgently allow you to hypothetically speak. "You've never even written about college basketball, other than to say that you don't know squat about it. What you know about college basketball could fit in a Japanese condom!"
To which we can only reply, "You sad, racist, and under-endowed peons."
When the going gets tough, the tough hire professionals. So we are proud to introduce our ringer for this exercise. You may have read his Truthy comments; you may have even lost money to him on a poker table. his steely eyes saying, "Hey, it's OK. I've taken your money. You can keep your wife. I don't allow animals in my house."
He is The Truth, and if you are very, very lucky, he may even favor you with the rationale behind his picks. Even Mean Old Grandpa Carl craps his pants in the presence of The Truth. (OK, so that's not exactly an exclusive set.)
Truth will be making the picks, and DMtShooter will be doing what he does best -- insulting the weak and worthless competition until they go all-in on Drexel and Syracuse.
Together, we will rule Antarctica.
Let the pigeons loose!
Monday, March 12, 2007
For the non-clickers... the Knicks just re-upped Isiah to a multi-year extension.
MSG, the sports bloggers of America are in your debt.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
10. Over 15 closers are classified as "top," including Octavio Dotel in Kansas City
9. Their idea of a fearless pan prediction is to cast doubt on Ray Durham
8. Participants in their mock draft leave comments like, "I really wanted to take a running back early"
7. Pedro Martinez is prized for his durability
6. Oriole SPs are ranked high, because Year 2 is when the Mazzone Magic really kicks in
5. Their big unknown sleeper pick is Boston's Daisuke Matsuzaka
4. Colorado SPs are ranked well, because (shh!) Coors is no longer a hitter's park
3. Prior and Wood: This is the year they'll be healthy
2. Expert draft strategy: Cornering the market on catchers
1. Their World Series winner is the Cubs
Bonus: Instead of sportsbook ads with slutty models, they're running the graphic above...
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
(Summary for non-clickers: The South Korean government is drawing up an ethical code of conduct for human-robot relations.)
Seeing this in close proximity to yet another Bonds Update caused a mash-up in our little meat heads. To wit, when does a mechanically-enhanced human make the bigs, and how would it all play out?
You could make the argument that Lasix surgery already has breached this area, and prior to that, all kinds of surgeries. Many pitchers have reported getting a little more velocity on the fastball following the Tommy John procedure, not that the gain outweighs the risk.
So let's imagine, in the too-short time that technology is racing past us Bags O' Meat, an MLB player who loses an appendage, and has it replaced with something (gasp!) better than before. And for probably more than six million dollars, man.
If/when this happens, we predict the following:
1) To a certain percentage of the populace, it'll be fine, so long as he's white / non-Muslim / AMERICAN. U-S-A-B-O-R-G!
2) Warm Meat will get endorsement deals and Inspirational Story coverage from a media that's afraid of appearing insensitive to the prosthetically-enabled, regardless of whether Warm Meat is an ass or not. (Many war vets will love him.)
3) A scrappy David Eckstein-type teammate will get big press ups for daring to tease Warm Meat about his device, because, dammit, this is what Guys Do.
4) Several years later, other athletes will be outed as hybrids. (You're telling us Tiger Woods is 100% Meat? Excuse us while we laugh in menacing binary code. 00001111001010101010101010.)
5) Headline writers will rejoice, as years of hacky jokes will be at their fingertips. In the future, we will *all* hate Isaac Asimov.
6) Five years after Warm Meat is terminated due to product obsolescence, various Hall of Fame meat bags will refuse to put him on the first ballot, because of The Implant. They will die in mysterious household accidents before the next year of voting.
7) FTT's writing duties will be passed off to Snarker6, a formulaic writerbot who will inevitably write in hacky joke lists before going off to drink, alone.
Snarker6 does not need your pity.
Monday, March 5, 2007
Are you (really) a girl in a fantasy baseball league? Then, by all means, take advantage of FTT's special wince-inducing list to make the boys in the league shudder in horror.
As always, all names fit in the 20 character limit. And good luck in your league, toots!
Smells Like Fish
Full Body Brazilians
Spreading The Yeast
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Friday, March 2, 2007
Summary -- Greg Maddux, 300-game winner, top 10 all-time starting pitcher, and now borderline starting pitcher for the San Diego Padres, is said to keep teammates loose with practical jokes that include, we shit you not, targeted urination in the shower.
The FTT List, delivered with sloppy speed...
5. Smells Like Mad Dog
4. Working The Corners
3. Old Man Incontinence
2. Low Piss Count
1. Gold Glove And Shower
P.S. Chicks Dig The Long Piss is just too many characters.