Sunday, July 12, 2009

Top 10 ways for Chris Berman to die

What, too grisly? Like you haven't thought about it, or won't be when he trots out that Home Run Derby act today. Live the fantasy!

10) Aneurysm. A fairly nasty way to go, of course, but hey, it'd do the job quickly, right?

9) "Scanner" style head explosion. Hey, Hollywood, why can't we get a remake of this movie? What with current digital effects and the relative lack of business that the original did, it's time. And who better to star in it than Boomer?

8) Bondian death trap. Cannibals report that humanity tastes like pork. I'm thinking a Canadian back bacon kind of odor here. Plus, hey, FRICKIN' LASERS!

7) Sound torture. Maybe I'm too caught up in comeuppance, but the idea of Berman having his own head caved in from the sound of his own amplifed voice, so that the "BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK!" causes his gray matter to drip out of his orifices... doesn't suck, really. At least, not as a hypothesis.

6) Microphone electrocution. Back in my band days, I ran into any number of shorting mics, especially in punk clubs, and every time it happened, I'd wonder what might happen if we mixed some water into this ugliness. More of a danger for field work, but hey, a man can dream.

5) Exploding food. Hey, did you know that Berman also cashes endorsement checks for NutriSlim, and claims to have lost weight from it? Or that his ads testifying to this may cause the weaker-kneed among you to rethink my bloodlust?

Let's give him a bear claw that expands to ten times its size once it hits the Boomer Gut. It's how every man dreams of going, really.

4) Torches and pitchforks. What can I tell you, I'm a slave to the classics. Come on, people of Bristol, rise up and march against the compound and crush the abomination! Besides, it's nice out, good exercise, a real bonding moment for the community, really.

3) Neglect. A concentrated abstinence effort would rid the world of Berman, just as it would any other media mouth jobber, of course. But would the effort also make him waste away from ennui and a punctured ego? Let's find out.

2) Anal cancer.
Farrah Fawcett didn't get nearly enough notice for this horrifying malady, thanks to the Michael Jackson Experience. So we're not just looking for something awful for the fun of it, but to Raise Awareness, really.

1) By his own, um, hand. Just imagine the wonderfully awkward coverage if the man checks out in the Michael Hutchense / David Carradine Auto-Asphyxiation mode. I'm getting all tingly just thinking about it, really. Plus, as an added bonus, I'm pretty sure that Bill Simmons' head would explode from not being able to mention it. Go for the gold, Boomer!


CMJDad said...

Um, did Berman beat you up on the play ground or something?

DMtShooter said...

Watch the HRD and see if you aren't moved to murder. If not, you're a gentler man than I...

Dumpster said...

I wouldn't mind killing all the supporters of Berman also. Maybe have a lifetime achievement thing for him and kill everyone inside. Sure there will be collateral damage, but as long as he is off the earth, I'm for it.

Ads In This Size Rule