Monday, August 3, 2009

Top 10 fantasy football annual pet peeves

10) Pointless star player interviews. Gosh, did you know that last year's star player is aware of how good he was in fantasy football, or that he expects to have an even better year this year? Look, I get that it's exciting to talk to an actual football player, but can't you at least ask questions like, "Can't you sabotage your goal-line vulture?" or "How much do you lobby to stay in blowouts to pad your numbers?" Let's cut to the chase here.

9) Wildly inflated projections. Nothing quite says credibility like quoting double-digit touchdowns for marginal prospects, and that's the all-too-common throwaway line for player evaluations. Honestly, some players are going to suck. It's OK to admit it.

8) Fantasy player mouth jobbing. Is there a person in the world, outside of the ubernerd that is getting the mouth job, who really wants to hear about How He Did It? Honestly, telling people about your winning fantasy team is like telling people about your last pull. Spare us all, please.

7) Kicker projections.
You tell us that these are meaningless, than you give it to us anyway, complete with the same hype copy that you give to any other position. Don't tease the newbies; stand on your convictions and just give a list, rather than a ton of copy.

6) Nonstop Web site pimping. Yes, I know; the print copy is something that is outdated the day that it's printed, and I need to go to your Web site unless I want to stand up and accept my status as League Donkey. Now shut up about it, given that (a) I ride a subway that doesn't really translate well to reading my laptop, (b) your annual is just part of my preparation, which does include Web work, and (c) I just gave your money for your dead tree. So, um, STFU about your Web site already, hokay?

5) Draft pimping. Some days, it really does seem like these things are taking cash under the table from the agents of new draft picks, such is the constant push for new guys. Just because 85% of all fantasy players get wood over unhyped rookie sleepers doesn't mean you have to further the disease, people.

4) Editor's letter. Here's how big of an idiot I am; I actually read these things, along with Gil Thorpe, nutrition labels and prescription drug information. So yes, I'm the moron reading your stilted annual want about how big fantasy sports have gotten, how you never thought it would never be this big when you were alone in your bedroom not meeting girls, and how truly wonderful your Web site and rest of the magazine is. Seriously, use the space to talk about Darfur, or come out of the closet, or how your cat's breath smells like cat food. It's just you and me, and I need the chuckle.

3) One year overreaction. Wait, is this really a pet peeve? Sure, but only if you look at this as polluting your research, rather than messing with the rankings of others. Nothing's better than an annual over-inflating the value of some guy just because he got into the end zone a couple of more time last year than the year before, or conversely, going negative nuts on a player who missed some time due to injury. Because 2010 will be just like 2009 (except, of course, for all of the third-tier guys scoring ten touchdowns, and all of the rookies working out).

2) Bravely stating the obvious. Did you know that Adrian Peterson is really good, that Devin Hester might enjoy having Jay Cutler instead of Kyle Orton, and that Matt Ryan impressed many people with his rookie season in Atlanta? Good thing I was sitting down when you dropped that knowledge. Otherwise, my feet might have gotten tired.

1) Homerism disguised as analysis. There's nothing quite so much fun for this Eagles fan as listening to how overrated all of my team's players are, or how the WRs are all terrible, just because the system doesn't lend itself to fantasy goodness. I'm also loving it when Patriot Fan/Writer has to go back for not just Dreamboat Brady's return to all power and performance, but also the Fountain of Youth slurpdown for Fred Taylor and best in class performance for the defense and special teams. But on the plus side, it gets my hate right up to mid-season form. Get your hate on now!

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