Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Top 10 Reasons Why I'm Looking Forward To The End Of The MLB Season

10) Crap rookies. Quick, who are the favorites for the rookie of the year race? Better yet, is there an actual good rookie player?

I know, I know... Tommy Hanson's been electric, J.A. Happ saved the Phillies' season, Neftali Perez makes you swoon, Andrew McCutcheon kid in Pittsburgh's for real, Elvis Andrus, etc., etc. You can always find a few. But is it any wonder that in the year when teams started gaming the system for arbitration (see Price, David and Wieters, Matt), the rookies have, well, played like people who couldn't give a damn? Learn the lesson, MLB Teams; when you don't try to win, you don't win.

9) Wild, schmild. Right now, the Dodgers might be in an epic collapse against the startling Rockies, and the Red Sox deserve nothing but scorn for their post-All Star Break performance. Both will probably make the playoffs, just so we can have a few more teams in fake contention in September. I realize that I'm raging against the machine here, but more playoff games means fewer meaningful games -- not more. It also crushes my Boston Shadenfruede Joy, and dammit, I needed that. Very badly.

8) My team is unwatchable.
With the fire sale trade of Matt Holliday and the continuing complete incompetence of the farm system in developing position players in the Post Steroid Age, my Oakland A's are now in Year Three (or is it Six?) Of the Dead Ball Era. I don't care that they can create viable bullpen arms out of thin gruel, or that the young starting pitchers all have a chance to be special... Because they will do that in another uniform, when they are moved for the next Bobby Freaking Crosby. Just contract them, OK? That way, I'll only have to listen to Billy Beane's smugtastic bullspit one last time. (Or just give the job to Michael Lewis, who might have just made up the whole thing about these guys being smart.)

7) My fantasy teams suck. No, not even in a Just Ignore Them way; instead, they toddle on the edge of solvency, demanding time I don't have for a payoff I won't get. Injury-ridden, inconsistent at-bats, and with no clear pattern of strength or weakness to inform a trade. In other words, the very worst kind of timesuck year, and the kind of experience that makes you want to just give up the game and take up knitting. If only knitting had trash talk.

6) The umpires have PMS. Not to go all Bob Gibson here, but the freaking emo action when pitchers throw inside redefines lame in our lifetime, and every starting pitcher should go headhunting in the first inning, just so the other team gets the warning/ castration first. Is it too much for there to be just a little testosterone in this game, Blue?

5) No Mets or Cubs collapse.
Instead, the two most noxious NL fanbases are just train wrecks without good rubbernecking opportunities. After the past few years of joy, I was really starting to enjoy watching the rug pulled out from under them.

4) Super Quitters. Quick, name the worst team in MLB. Well, by the records, it's the Nationals... But they've actually been tolerable for the past few months, ever since Mike MacDougal arrived to prove that even the worst possible saves candidate on the worst possible team can help you. No, it's probably the Mets... Or maybe the Padres... And great Sassy Molassy, Joe Posnanski says it's the Royals, who are trying very hard to emulate the '72 Steve Carlton Phillies with Zach Greinke. So very much suck. Glad that lack of a salary cap is working out for MLB!

3) As soon as it ends, so does John Kruk and Joe Morgan.
Is there any greater sign of just how dangerously out of touch the Lemur is from its audience than the continued employment of these two Masters Of The Very, Very Obvious?

2) The Yankees Finally Bought The Pennant.
Admittedly, this is still better than when the Red Sox buy the pennant, but with clear signing wins like CC Sabathia, AJ Burnett and Mark Teixeira, it's looking dangerously like the Empire knows what it's doing again. This is never as much fun as when they don't.

1) The games are, simply, unwatchably long on television. I used to go to 20 or more games a year, and actually being at the game is so much better than a screen, I'm starting to think the game would collapse without fantasy honks. How, honestly, does anyone routinely give up the 4 hours that the average MLB game extracts? I'm 40 now, people. I might not have enough time left in my life for this.

The other night in the Man Space, my viewing choices were the Future Longshoremen portion of an NFL preseason game, a game between contenders in MLB, taped poker highlights, and pro wrestling.

In other words, three camp pieces of crap and MLB.

Let's just say I didn't see that much of the old ball game, and leave it at that...


Robin said...

#4) The Cleveland Indians

Adam said...

...I think you mean Neftali Feliz. Don't forget about Derek Holland, either.

Dave Shimp said...

Were they home game poker highlights? We knew you had a camera...

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