Thursday, August 6, 2009

Top 10 upcoming ESPN promotional tie-ins

ESPN is set to launch a technology where a Denny's ad for its signature breakfast immediately pops up when a player is shown hitting a grand slam. Denny's, however, might have to wait until next baseball season to plug its Grand Slam pile of eggs and pancakes.

ESPN is planning to debut the contextual advertising system next month within college football videos on Its sales teams are just starting to seek out advertisers.
10) The Cash 4 Gold Sell Out, where each fan of a tanking MLB franchise gets to sell off what they love for a ruinous discount, just like their favorite teams

9) The Tivo Brett Favre Rerun, used whenever fans are treated to the same story over and over again

8) Domino's Pizza 30 Minutes Of Anguish, where if SportsCenter goes more than a half hour without showing actual game footage, viewers receive a sad little Pity Meal

7) E-Trade's Baby Mama Drama. When an athlete is reported to have a paternity problem, some lucky viewers receive free trading accounts for their creepy talking infants

6) StubHub Over Pay Day. Your favorite team has just signed a free agent to a grossly overinflated contract? StubHub will give everyone in that metropolitan area $5 off their next 4-figure purchase. Such a bargain!

5) EA Sports For Teen Abstinence. Keeping teen pregnancy down the safe and natural way -- with video games that keep them far, far away from anyone that could get pregnant. Between this and fantasy sports, we'll have this problem eradicated this year!

4) The NutraSystem Bloated Sack Challenge. Can you lose more weight than some odious NFL gasbag? If you can, you'll win a free month of "food", plus another six months of life before your fatal heart attack. Before you celebrate too much, remember that those months will, in all likelihood, be spent watching the Lemur...

3) Fleet's Pardon *This* Interruption Enemas. Deepen your self-hatred and misery, and hence, your PTI experience, with the special treatment that ensures, if nothing else, rabid weight loss. On the bright side, it makes Tony Kornheiser much easier to ignore!

2) Best Buy's Geek Squad Makeover, where you and your favorite hidebound ex-athlete Lemur analyst are taken to a week-long seminar session where you (a) learn the meanings of statistical measurements that have been invented in the last 40 years, (b) disprove certain clear factual errors like who wrote "Moneyball", (c) learn why closers are overrated, and (d) how the Yankees and Red Sox don't actually win every year. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll enter the 21st century *and* learn how to use a computer for more than ancient porn!

1) BALCO Blowout! Whenever the Lemur goes on at length about some steroid story, the infamous Bay Area laboratory gives 1,000 lucky viewers the first dose of an exciting new life. As with any great entrepreneur, your first hit is "free"...


Mike said...

O man that pizza looks delicious. Love the promotional idea from ESPN

Andrew said...

I guess it's a good idea if you're part of ESPN's marketing team because companies are definitely go purchase some in-game advertising time, but for sports fans it's definitely a loss. The last thing fans need is a pop-up advertisement on their tv screens in the middle of games. That's what game stoppage is for.

Tracer Bullet said...

Erin Andrews Peephole Blockers. Because you're never sure who's watching.

Ralph Wilson brand Adult Diapers. Because 60 years of watching the Bills is enough to make any man shit himself.

Head Shovel by Chris Berman. When you need to hit an unfunny douchebag in the head with a shovel, you need Head Shovel by Chris Berman.

Boo-Yah! Sunglasses. Because nobody wants to see that thing, Stu.

Linda Cohn's International House of Pancake Makeup. Because HD is a bitch.

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