Sunday, September 27, 2009

NFL Week 3: You Crap The Bed!

Yes, it's the return of the game that lets you try to out-think people who are actually paid to make NFL decisions. Wake the kids and phone the neighbors, because it's time for... You Crap The Bed!

> You are Eagles head coach Andy Reid. You have a 4th and 1 on the Chiefs 41 with a 14-0 lead at home in the second quarter. Do you:

a) Punt and keep the Chiefs pinned down

b) Run it with rookie LeSean McCoy, who has a 1 yard touchdown and has broken ankles all day;

c) Run it from the wildcat formation with noted matchup problem Michael Vick

d) Try a power move with fullback Leonard Weaver, or

e) Scramble inexperienced QB Kevin Kolb to the right, giving him one good option (TE Brent Celek), who is behind the line when he catches the ball and DOA as soon as he touches it

If you chose E... you crap the bed! And you've won life for the road Chiefs, who then take the de facto turnover and drive for a (momentarily) life giving touchdown.

> You are Washington Redskins coach Jim Zorn. You desperately need a win to keep your job, and you are playing the Lions in Detroit. With the score tied at zero in the first half, you have a fourth and goal on the Lions 1. Do you:

a) Throw to tight end Chris Cooley, one of the better players in the NFL at his position and a matchup problem for the Lions defense

b) Put the ball in the hands of QB Jason Campbell, who really needs to make a few plays if he's going to keep the job

c) Throw the ball to Santana Moss, who will finish the day with 10 catches for 178 yards and a touchdown, because the Lions do have a few issues about covering WRs

d) Spread the field and run wide, maybe with actually healthy running back Ladell Betts, or

e) Have starting running back Clinton Portis, who has been slowed all week with injury issues, try some slow lateral move in the middle of the field that will get stuffed and give the Lions life

If you chose E... you crap the bed! For the second straight week, too. You've won the first Lions win since 2007 (yes, really), a loss where your embattled QB threw for 340 yards, 2 TDs and a pick, and the continuing unsparing hatred of Redskin Nation, at least those of whom are still paying attention. Congratulations!

> You are 49ers coach Mike Singletary. It's the last play of the game, with the Vikings on your 32 yard line. The score is 24-20 in your favor, and if you can just keep His Favreness out of the end zone, you've got a 3-0 start in your piss-poor division, along with an absolute theft of a road win, seeing how star RB Frank Gore left with an injury, backup RB Glen Coffee didn't do anything, and you had a 10-point swing on a blocked field goal for a touchdown before the half. Do you:

a) Blitz Favre, so that he doesn't have time to throw the ball 50 yards into the end zone

b) Rush nearly no one, since anything short of a 32-yard gain doesn't matter

c) Line up 10 guys at the goal line to knock down any thrown ball

d) Call time out so that your defense is fully rested when they have to defend the final play of the game, or

e) Run your ordinary four down linesman defense, because Brett Favre is just an overrated guy who can't possibly complete a deep ball that snatches victory from the jaws of defeat

If you chose E, preferably while fondling your Flavor Flav-esque oversized crucifix... you crap the bed! And you've won the latest treasured memory for the nation's Favre Hags, a week's worth of Gosh That Brett's A Gunslinger, and your glum visage on every NFL highlights film of the season. Congratulations!

Well, that's all we have time for this week. But remember, with a little fiber, determination, and poise, you too can... Crap The Bed! Good night, everybody!

1 comment:

Tracer Bullet said...

I'm convinced Reid reads blogs and enjoys nothing so much as fucking with us

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