Sunday, November 22, 2009

NFL Week 11: You Crap The Bed

This week, You Crap is brought to you by Seventh Generation Toilet Paper, the toilet paper that's somehow associated with Native Americans, so that you can feel less guilty about your bowel movements. For your own personal trail of tears -- hey, those recycled fibers aren't here to make you feel better -- there's nothing better than Seventh Generation. It's like losing money at an Indian casino in your own home!

You all know how to play the game. Each week, we give you the chance to out-think people who are actually paid to make NFL decisions. Now, let's all play... You Crap The Bed!

1) You are Baltimore safety Ed Reed. With 28 seconds left in the fourth quarter, it's 17-15 Colts. You are back to return the punt at your own 35. As the ball comes to you, you choose to:

a) Take a fair catch, so as to ensure every possible second to the offense, seeing as you only need 30 yards to try for the winning field goal

b) Go for the best possible run back, but knowing that ball security is absolutely paramount

c) Review choices (a) and (b) again, seeing how this is a punt return, and not some kind of crazy last play in the game interception return

d) Consider how insane it would be for you to try some kind of in-traffic cockamamie lateral, and how such a play would have you on every highlight package as Bonehead of the Week, or

e) Visualize just how awesome it would be for you to be the spark that started the pro game's answer to the Cal-Stanford game play, and try to lateral the ball as you are going to the ground

If you choose (e), preferably while being absolutely certain that all of the Raven fans that have worn your jersey will want to tear it to ribbons in self-loathing, congratulations... you crapped the bed! And you've won a game-ending turnover, the close-up camera shots of your sideline reaction of regret, along with very many false lateral moves, and the lingering suspicion that Baltimore is just too stupid to win close games. Well done!

2) You are Cleveland Browns safety Hank Poteat. You are on your fifth NFL team in a 10 year career, and while you are not considered one of the best to ever play your position, you are good enough to have a Super Bowl ring, as well as continued employment in the league. Your 1-8 team is on the road playing another 1-8 team (Detroit), and thanks to an utterly inexplicable career day for quarterback Brady Quinn (more touchdowns in this game than the rest of his whole career), you are up 37-31 with 8 seconds left, and the Lions are on your 32 yard line for one last Hail Mary. Do you:

a) Knock down any pass in front of you, since this play almost never works

b) If you don't knock down any pass, at the very least, don't go over the top in your coverage, since you have generally got to commit a felony to be called for defensive pass interference in this situation

c) Just fall down, in fear of making the jaw-dropping, release-inducing mistake that would be getting called for pass interference

d) Beg off for the play, maybe for some tall wide receiver, by faking a hamstring injury, or

e) Absolutely crush Detroit WR Calvin Johnson in front of the pass, because it's not as it the refs could possibly notice that kind of thing

If you choose (e), preferably while looking down at your jersey and contemplating all that this era of Browns football means, congratulations... you crapped the bed! And you've won a first down with no time on the clock for the Lions on your 1 yard line, an overwhelming sense of foreboding defeat that would be followed up by a game winning touchdown on the next play, and the absolute cementing of your status as the worst team in the NFL.

Oh, and a special callout to Browns coach Eric Mangini, who called a timeout after the pass interference penalty to let injured Lions QB Matthew Stafford, who had thrown for four touchdowns and over 400 yards, to have just enough time to heal up and get back on the field, rather than ice-cold and awful Daunte Culpepper. If you work with any Browns fans and they aren't at work this week, tell the cops to check the oven.

But cheer up, Browns Fan... you are now well on your way to the #1 pick in the draft. So perhaps you've crapped the bed like a fox!

3) You are Denver coach Josh McDaniels. After an improbable 6-0 start, your team is 6-3, with a division showdown against the Chargers at home to decide first place in the division. Starting QB Kyle Orton let the game early last week with an injured ankle, causing you to go to utterly underprepared backup QB Chris Simms in a loss to (really) Washington. Orton manages to practice this week despite the ankle. You choose to:

a) Start Orton, because while he's fairly terrible, he's a damn sight better than Simms

b) Start Simms, because even if you lose this game, you can't afford to risk losing Orton for the rest of the year, and you are in a race for the wild-card, if nothing else

c) Try an onside kick, go for it on fourth down on three different drives in the second half, and in general, manage the entire game as if you are convinced that the only way to win would be through your Coaching Super Genius

d) Bury rookie RB Knowshon Moreno for fumbling at the goal line, when in fact the turnover was caused by a perfect knee from a teammate, leading to a same team shoving match between Moreno and Still A Head Case WR Brandon Marshall, or

e) Start Simms, watch him fall behind early and stink for three series, then go to Orton, which gives you the benefit of risking Orton's health while also making sure that Simms has absolutely no hope or confidence if and when he's got to play again

If you chose (c), (d), *and* (e), all while trying to remember why people thought you were a genius in October when you will be home in January, congratulations... you crapped the bed!

Well, I'm afraid that's all we have time for this week. But remember, with a little fiber, determination and inspiration -- or the self-punishment power of Seventh Generation Recycled Toilet Paper -- you too can... Crap The Bed! Good night, everybody!

1 comment:

Tracer Bullet said...

I have to say, this really is one of your better features. I'm just sorry you have to watch so much terrible football to compile the entries.

And hey, a special CFB shoutout to LSU coach Les "Lesticles" Miles who, after watching his team convert a highly unlikely 4-and-26 (ahem) against Ole Miss, called for a spike with 1 second left to play. THEN he tried to claim he hadn't called the spike, thereby throwing his sophomore QB under the bus, somehow without realizing that every major college football game is ringed with cameras and that one of them would inevitably record him actually calling for the spike.

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