Monday, November 30, 2009

NFL Week 12: You Crap The Bed

This week on You Crap, we're brought to you by Japanese Toilets, the perfect gift for everyone on your Christmas shopping list who wants their bowel movements to be a baffling and expensive ordeal. Once you've dropped a bomb on one of these, you'll never want to commit a war crime on anything less!

You all know how to play the game. Each week, we give you the chance to out-think people who are actually paid to make NFL decisions. Now, let's all play... You Crap The Bed!

1) You are Eagles coach Andy Reid. Facing the last place Redskins at home, you lose the opening coin toss. You choose to:

a) Kick it deep, because the Redskins are a terrible team that does not need any chance of a hot start

b) Kick it really deep, because place kicker David Akers has been putting the ball in the end zone fairly routinely this year, and your kickoff coverage has been quietly terrible recently, and needs every yard it can get

c) No, seriously, kick it deep, because you really can't take the risk that, even if you catch the Redskins off guard with an onside kick, that you can feel good about the chances that your rookie-infested special teams will execute the recovery perfectly

d) Squib or pooch it, I suppose, and give yourselves the chance of recovering the kick without giving up debilitating field position to start the game

e) Try an onside kick, because even though the new NFL rules have made that play mostly impossible now, they won't be expecting it, it worked once ten years ago in Dallas, and it allows the mouth breathers on Fox (Darryl Johnson, Tony Siragusa) to fellate you about how much guts you have

If you choose (e), preferably while stalking the sidelines like a bear with constipation, congratulations... you crapped the bed! And you've won a fast hole against a terrible opponent, the knowledge that you're going to spend most of the day dicking around with a terrible team, and the full-throated booing of a fan base with 49 years and counting of self-fulfilling negativity. Well done!

But not to be outcrapped, in the very same game...

2) You are Redskins bystander Jim Zorn, offensive bingo caller Sherman Lewis, or whatever theoretical human calls plays for this train wreck. You are down 27-24 to the Eagles on the road, having blown an eight point fourth quarter lead. On first down, QB Jason Campbell is nearly killed by the Eagles pass rush on a slow developing pass play that goes incomplete. On second down, Campbell and TE Fred Davis fail to connect on a deep post. On third and 10 from your 15 with 1:33 left, Campbell is barely able to get the ball to WR Antwan Randle-El, who nearly gets the first down to prolong the game, but is tripped up a half a yard from the sticks.

On fourth and one at your own 25 with 1:25 left, you choose to:

a) Run a QB draw to make sure you get the first down, especially since the pass rush has been mostly coming from the edge

b) Run a just plain draw, maybe to RB Quinton Gaither, who has 5 carries for 32 yards and has looked like your fastest back today

c) Throw a quick out to TE Davis, who is always open, given that he is a pass catching TE that is playing the Eagles

d) Honestly, just run it; you need to keep the game alive and give yourself a chance; it's not as if you are completely out of time, or need to do anything more than get 40 yards to give yourself a shot at the tying field goal, or

e) Throw a slow developing middle zone pass to WR Santana Moss, because it's not as if the Eagles aren't usually terrific at taking away the #1 option, or that the Eagles have been getting a ton of pressure

If you chose (e), preferably while looking around the stadium like you were trying to find a lost child at the mall, congratulations... you crapped the bed! And you've won a game-ending incomplete from pressure, yet another terrible loss in a season filled with them, and the perverse happiness of many people in your fan base, who are actively rooting against your team at this point. Either that, or the sweet embrace of death. Golf clap, whoever you are!

3) You are Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin, or offensive coordinator Bruce Arians. In overtime on the road in Baltimore, you are starting third-string QB Dennis Dixon, who has been nearly picked on several occasions late in the game, but has not turned it over. With 10:14 left in overtime after the teams exchanged punts, you have a third and five at midfield. You choose to:

a) Hand it off to RB Rashard Mendenhall, who has 24 carries for 95 yards and has looked strong in the late going against a defense that might be tiring, and knowing that a punt in this situation is not fatal, seeing how there's ten minutes left in overtime

b) Call a QB draw for Dixon, who scored on a 24- yard bootleg to give you the lead in the fourth quarter, and clearly has good quicks

c) Throw a safe bubble screen to WRs Hines Ward or Santonio Holmes, both of which have been effective in this game

d) Try something mildly tricky, like an end around or shuffle pass, that has a reasonable chance at getting five yards but not a massive INT risk, or

e) Drop back Dixon in the same kind of formation and throw that has almost been picked on multiple occasions in the second half, maybe to ice-cold TE Heath Miller (1 catch for 2 yards)

If you chose (e), all while proving that your Super Bowl hangover year means that you somehow finish games worse than even Baltimore, congratulations... you crapped the bed! And you've won a game-changing interception and return on a terrible mistake by Dixon, the increasing likelihood that you are going to have to sweat out all 17 weeks just to get a wildcard, and the knowledge that you could have left BMore absolutely dead and buried with a road win from a back-up, only to let them off the hook. Bravo!

Well, I'm afraid that's all we have time for this week. But remember, with a little fiber, determination and inspiration -- or the abject horror that is when freakishly invasive Japanese technology meets your digestive system -- you too can... Crap The Bed! Good night, everybody!

1 comment:

Harv said...

Except one point - Big Red didn't lose the toss - he WON it and elected to kick off and THEN pulled the onside kick. So instead of receiving and getting the ball first, he wanted to what - get the ball first both halves? Catch the Redskins by surprise?

His excuse was he wanted "momentum" - you mean like the momentum of taking the kickoff and then driving down the field on the first possession of the game? That kind of momentum?

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