Monday, December 7, 2009

NFL Week 13: You Crap The Bed

This week on You Crap, we're brought to you by the US 1000 Home Ultrasound Machine, an affordable way for you to look inside your own spooky, freaky body and obsess over your own digestive system. It's fun for the whole family, especially when you make jokes about unplanned pregnancy. Waka waka!

You all know how we play the game. Each week, we give you the chance to out-think people who are actually paid to make NFL decisions. Now, let's all play... You Crap The Bed!

1) You are Atlanta coach Mike Smith. With 21 seconds left in the first half, you are down 13-0 to the Eagles at home. On the previous three goal to go plays, runs by RB Jason Snelling failed to get it it in, with the Eagles defensive line owning the line of scrimmage. On fourth down, do you:

a) Just kick the field goal and get points on the board, because you've got to break the shutout when the came is still close, and can't risk giving a road team that much momentum going into the half

b) No, seriously, kick the field goal; you have QB Chris Redman throwing the ball here, so it's not like throwing it in is a very good option

c) Well, what the hell, throw it I guess to Hall of Fame TE Tony Gonzalez, he might make a play

d) Throw it to WR Roddy White, especially if you can get him matched up against somewhat hobbling CB Sheldon Brown, or

e) Run it again with Snelling, because dammit, that's just what tough and manly football teams do

If you chose (e), preferably while channeling the spirit of Barry Switzer, congratulations... you crapped the bed! And you've won a big round of boos from the home crowd, a shutout at the half against a quality opponent, and an utter de-pantsing with two touchdowns for the ex-QB and disgraced felon that defined your laundry in his homecoming game. Way to wear the confetti bucket!

2) You are New England coach Bill Belichick. You are leading 14-7 with just over two minutes left in the first half on the road in Miami. On 3rd and 1 from the Miami 6, you send RB Lawrence Maroney into the line in a power formation, but the Dolphins stop it cold for no gain. On fourth and one, keeping in mind your recent disastrous history of reckless playcalling and star turn on You Crap, you choose to:

a) Kick the nearly automatic field goal, and go up by two possessions

b) No, seriously, kick the field goal -- you can't possibly be this arrogant, can you?

c) Um, kick the field goal, because all of your RBs are questionable at best

d) Um, go play action I guess, and put the ball in the hands of players like QB Tom Brady, WR Wes Welker, WR Randy Moss and the other players on the team that, well, could be trusted to bail out their freakishly out of touch coach in this situation, or

e) Run it again, this time on a quick internal hitter to career mediocrity RB Sammy Morris, who, unlike Maroney, doesn't even have a recent track record of success, because dammit, You Are A Super Genius

If you chose (e), preferably while steepling your fingers together and saying "Excellent", congratulations... you crapped the bed! And you've won a stuffed running play, a de facto turnover, the set-up for an answering drive before the half for a field goal that would wind up being the difference in the game, your first two-game losing streak since 2006, a 1-5 road record and a suddenly wide open division race in the previously DOA AFC East. Bravissimo, Belichick! You're giving hope to the rest of the league that limitless malfeasance and the concentrated Hate Waves being beamed at you by the nation's football fans is causing your brain to turn into supervillian soup. Now, if you could just scream "FOOLS!" during your post-game press conference, that would just make it even better, really.

Well, I'm afraid that's all we have for this week. But remember, with a little fiber, determination and inspiration -- or, if all else fails, a round-the-clock staring at test results you could not possibly understand, via an expensive and unnecessary piece of testing equipment -- you too can... Crap The Bed! Good night, everybody!

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