Sunday, September 12, 2010

NFL Week One: You Crap The Bed!

Welcome back to the second year of the NFL game show that everyone's
passing, You Crap The Bed! In it, we give couchbound watchers of the nation's most popular sport the opportunity to put themselves in the shoes of paid professionals as they make critical decisions during real live NFL games. This week, we're brought to you by Lo Flo Toilets, the eco-friendly way to flush three or four times to get the same effect that you used to get with one. And with that, let's get flushing!

1) You are Minnesota coach Brad Childress. Down 5 on the road to the Super Bowl champion Saints, you need to get the ball back. Do you:

a) Blitz, because Saints QB Drew Brees isn't having a great game, and times are desperate

b) Bring many players to the line, then drop into coverage, in an attempt to bait Brees into a game-changing pick

c) Play straight up coverage, because there's no way that Brees can be anticipating that you'd be that stupid

d) Play straight up coverage while not taking your time outs before the two minute warning, because if you are committed to the idea of confusing Brees with your stupidity, you might as well go all the way, and get the game over faster

e) Go with (d) while netting your fingers behind your head, because that's a much more intelligent look than picking your nose, slapping yourself in the face with your foot, or just plain being Brad Childress

If you chose (e), preferably while being the last man in America to have faith in Tarvaris Jackson, congratulations... you crapped the bed! And you've won a thoroughly predictable 0-1 start to the year, the firm knowledge that you could have possibly stolen this game had you just had the tiniest amount of spine with spoiled prima QB Brett Favre, and the knowledge that this won't be your last time on You Crap. See you soon, Brad!

2) You are Buffalo coach Chan Gailey. After 50-plus minutes of utter offensive futility, you get your only touchdown of the day on a long drive. On 4th and 10 from your own 1 yard line, you are down 13-10 with 1:50 left. Do you:

a) Go for it by throwing the ball to Lee Evans, also known as the only player on your offensive team who has had good moments in his carer

b) Get the ball in the hands of waterbug rookie C.J. Spiller, who might actually be fast enough to do, well, something

c) Throw the ball to WR Roscoe Parrish, who has your only touchdown of the day and, I don't know, might have another one in his football life left in him

d) Punt it, and hope that your defense can make some miracle happen, or

e) Take an intentional safety, then punt it away, because it's not as if you want to even pretend to have confidence in your offensive unit to make a play, or your special teams has the ability to execute a punt from their 1 yard line

If you chose (e), preferably while failing to grasp the difference between 3 and 5 points, congratulations... you crapped the bed! And extra special kudos for continuing to have the most pathetic looking QB in NFL history, Trent Edwards, throw the ball short, even when you got the ball back on your own 20 yard line with 30 seconds left and no timeouts. If there's a Bills Fan left alive at the end of this year, I'll be amazed. Who knew you could have a job in the NFL as a quarterback, or be a coach who would start such an animal, when you can't or won't throw a football more than 5 yards?

3) You are Eagles coach Andy Reid. With two minutes left in a 27-20 game at home against the Packers, you've seen your team fight back from a huge hole behind backup QB Michael Vick. You also have a half dozen other weapons, an offensive line that's missing its starting center, and a backfield that's missing its starting fullback. It's fourth and a long yard. Do you:

a) Give Vick the ball and the corner, because he's been faster than Packer defense for the last hour plus of game time, and has over 100 yards running

b) Hand it off to RB LeSean McCoy, who has looked good for most of the second half, and has fresh legs, since he's only gotten 7 carries for 35 yards

c) Drop back and given Vick the option to throw or pass, perhaps to TE Brent Celek, WR Desean Jackson, WR Jeremy Maclin or WR Jason Avant, aka, one of the deepest and best grouop of targets in the league, and Vick is 16 of 24 for 175 yards

d) Try something awkward but tricky -- hell, an end-around to Jackson, a fullback dive to occasional goal line back Eldra Buckley, anything, really, I'm begging you... or

e) Have Vick run into the line from the shotgun, because when you need short yardage, there's no better option than power football behind a struggling offensive line, in the hands of a guy who does his best running work in space.

If you chose (e), preferably while burning your timeouts earlier in the quarter like a drunken sailor while the refs are stopping the clock to measure the first down... congratulations! You Crapped The Bed!

And you've won your now traditional week one loss, the hair pulling frustration of Eagle Fan who has somehow watched this for a decade without having you killed. But on the plus side, losing should mean that the sports radio screamathon for Vick over Kevin Kolb should be lessened. I think.

Finally, here's a bonus You Crap moment. You are me. You need a flex back for your auction fantasy football league. You've nominated Houston Texans RB Arian Foster, who is the last high ranking RB on your board. The bidding ends at $55, meaning you can get him for $56, or let him go to the defending champion for $55.

Do you:

a) Swallow hard and take the guy, because he's good and who you wanted

b) Let him go to your rival, because you can always get C.J. Spiller (6 carries, 7 yards, will probably never start a game for any fantasy team ever again) for a little less later, and it's not like Foster is going to run for 230 yards and 3 TDs in Week One

If you chose (b), you get to more or less lose the entire year in Week One, and endure the grateful thanks of the back to back winner. In other words, You Crapped The Bed! In a way that will stink for, oh, the rest of the time that you are in the league, or know the guy that will win it again.

That's all the time we've got today, so thanks for watching. We'll see you next week, when I still have the stench of failure and shame. Good night, everybody!

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