Thursday, September 16, 2010

Top 15 ways LeBron James can become popular again

According to a story that's pushing everyone Shadenfraude Button (that's the button that you watch someone else push, then sit back and watch them get an electric shock and/or something disgusting on their finger), The Global Icon's all-important Q Score is down so much, he's become the sixth most disliked athlete in America. What can James do to turn the tide?

15) Purchase Buzz Bissinger's silence with prozac, and Charles Barkley's with Krispy Kremes

14) Stop Twittering, since this whole people getting to know more about you thing isn't working

13) Go where every disgraced celeb who needs a boost goes: Oprah's Couch (and be sure to bring prezzies for all)

12) Confirm the rumor that ex Cavs teammate Delonte West was involved with his mom and that Delonte did something real real bad, possibly gun-related

11) Reveal that Pat Riley has been feeding him mind-altering zombie paste for months now, and that he is powerless to resist the Will of Riles

10) For his next trumped-up public event, have a senior center be his props and background, since it's obvious that the failure of the last event can be pinned on those snotty kids from the Boys and Girls Club

9) Disclose that he's found out that his true parentage hails from Miami, not Akron, so he wasn't betraying his hometown after all

8) Four simple words, one glorious highlight video: Jim Gray Chair Shot

7) Pay a private investigator to dig up more dirt on Michael Vick, Tiger Woods, Terrell Owens, Chad Ochocinco and Kobe Bryant, aka the top five disliked, so that he doesn't seem as bad in comparison

6) Appear on Saturday Night Live in an over-the-top filmed sketch where he teaches kids how to grift, since that so worked for Peyton Manning

5) Develop and overcome a drug addiction through the healing power of Jebus

4) Become disillusioned with Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh, then tear off his Heat jersey to reveal a Cavs uni at the All-Star Game, only to suffer a humiliating beatdown from both men

3) Publish those photos of Cavs owner Dan Gilbert in bed with a live boy and a dead girl

2) Disclose that you have an inoperable and terminal brain tumor that impairs your mental decision making but not your physical talents, and that you could die from it at any moment, so if we're mean to you now, we might really really really regret it later

1) Average a triple double, win 70+ games, take down the MVP trophy and win the NBA championship for the next five years... then suffer a debilitating injury, rehab it for a full year, then come back to lead the US to Olympic gold in the 2016 Games as your final act as an athlete, and your final moment in public

Just do all 15, 'Bron, and everything will be just peachy again. For a little while, at least.

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