Saturday, November 13, 2010

Top 11 Cowboys Head Coach Candidates

With no one really trusting in the skills of interim Princetonian Jason Garrett, and the media being unable to ignore America's Trainwreck, speculation has started on who will get the gig in 2011. Let's just say that we're not buying the idea, even for a second, that the team is going to settle for anything less than a household name...

11) Marty Schottenheimer. Fits the bill as a quick improvement specialist, might be enough to get you his well-regarded son as an offensive coordinator / heir apparent, and would certainly get the defensive house in order fairly quickly. Sure, his record in playoff games is right up there with people who start land wars in Asia, but the Cowboys aren't about playoff success. They are about dominating the media until then, selling out the stadium, and making people think they are contenders when they really aren't. That's Schottenheimer's MO in a nutshell.

10) Bill Parcells. What, you don't think Jerruh Jones can't give the Big Blowhard enough money and power to rent 2-3 years of personnel push and game-day disasters? Just because the man never goes back to one of his previous stops doesn't mean that he can't be bought. Or, at the very least, rented.

9) Rob Ryan. So what if he looks like a particularly obese manatee, or a trailer-park land whale that skipped the nausea and went straight into unexpected labor? He's the Only Available Ryan on the market right now, assuming you can airlift him out of the Cleveland coordinator job, and that's got to be worth something. Especially if his team beats the Jets this weekend.

8) Tony Dungy. Sure, he's said that he has no interest in the job, and he's got to be comfortable in his role as National Scold on NBC, and Big Gay Hating Father Whose Son Killed Himself. (Oh, wait, was that too mean, soon, or accurate? It's OK; The Dung is so danged Christian, I'm sure he'll forgive me.) QB Tony Romo isn't exactly Peyton Manning, so Dungy wouldn't be adding to his ring collection here. But he'd prevent a train wreck.

7) Brian Billick. It's been way too long since God's Gift To Coaching prowled a sideline, and since the 'Boys do have some offensive talent, maybe he can go back to being an offensive super-genius. At the very least, he's got the ego for the job, and anyone that can win a Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer as his starting QB has to have some kind of witchcraft around.

6) Bill Cowher. Like Dungy, only on a giggling jackass show that nobody watches -- seriously, someone needs to file a workman's comp claim under the idea that you can't be this exposed to fake laughter without it doing long-term health damage. Cowher's still young enough that he can probably do the gig well instead of just well-known, and he'd be better than what they'd had. But probably not given enough of a leash to really change things.

5) Dick Vermeil. One more dinosaur, only with a ring, an odd habit of weeping with change in the barometric pressure, and a track record of impaling himself on a task until he more or less kills himself over it. I can't imagine he could give the Cowboys more than two years of not enough, and I really hope that he's too old and intelligent to go near Jones. But money changes things, and since it would be something of a nightmare scenario for Eagle Fans of A Certain Age, it'll probably happen.

4) Jon Gruden. Oh, please, please, please... The MNF Motormouth stalking a sideline again, making faces like a man with severe constipation? Even better considering that his track record is that he can only win with another man's talent, and that he eventually turns the roster into sludge. Oh, and he'll bring in a half dozen crud QBs. That's important, too. Come on, Jerruh. Make THIS GUY your man!

3) Jimmy Johnson. You think he's making enough money on Fox... but then you see him hawking boner pills on late night Lemur. It's unseemly. Not as unseemly as how the Cowboys have been playing for the past month, or as unseemly as going back to a guy that ran him before... but unseemly nonetheless. This one would be fun for the utter and complete insincerity that you'd see at the press conferences...

2) Mike Ditka. So what if he's way past the bend, was a disaster in New Orleans, and probably can't stand up for three hours at a time due to the ravages of age, drink, and a diet that probably consists entirely of meat and starch? He's got a ring on his finger, the ability to make a defense seem to give a damn, and the chance to make post-game press conferences watchable. After so many years of Wade Philips, that will all seem good. Just not real good.

1) Norv Turner. OK, this one is more of my fever dream, but he does have a history with the Cowboys, a track record of offensive success, and the very real possibility that he's going to be available for employment oh, well, any minute now, really. Troy Aikman will vouch for him, and that's important, because Troy has been hit in the head a lot. Do it, Jerruh, do it!

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