Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Top 10 NFL Sins

Commit any of these, and woe be upon you, NFL Player!

10) Running uphill. Since no NFL field is on an incline, this is impossible, but the importance of running downhill is still stated in just about every telecast. That's because no human being can accelerate without the benefit of an altitude change.

9) Going east-west. Only cowards and showoffs do this, of course. If you go east-west, it must mean that you shy away from contact, think that you are faster than you are, or have Communist tendencies. No good person has ever gone east-west.

8) Failing to manage the game. This QB-only infraction basically means making a turnover while young or black, usually when on the run or throwing the ball in an improper fashion. In this moment, you will also commit the unpardonable sin of angering your coach, who certainly does not encourage that sort of behavior, and has to be angry beyond all human patience. Why do you vex your coach so, game managing failure?

7) Lacking ball skills. No one has ever actually defined what ball skills are, at least in relation to activities beyond pornography, but you need to have these things. Luckily, ball skills only seem to exist for secondary players on balls in the air. Kind of like how leadership skills only exist for quarterbacks and middle linebackers.

6) Merely liking the game, as opposed to loving it. Players who make six and seven figure salaries would, of course, play the game for free and risk concussion and long-term disability, but only for love. Any player that cares about money first, or admits to this, must be drummed out of the league, for fear that his mind cancer spreads.

5) Being unlike a coach on the field. I'm not sure why you would want a coach on the field, given that coaches are generally 20 years and 50 pounds past their athletic prime, and were rarely if ever very talented even at their peak, but according to most telecasts, you really want to be like that guy. I keep waiting for some ambitious special teams gunners to bring their own challenge flag, headset or play calling sheet out there with them. It's a sure way to make the Pro Bowl.

4) Having a motor that operates for less than sixty minutes. Football games generally last for three and a half hours, and have less than twenty minutes of actual game time, less than half of which is spent on the field for any offensive or defensive unit... but sixty minutes is the magic amount for everyone, regardless of overtime, blowout, preseason or Super Bowl. No other time amount is acceptable.

3) Knowing the score. Don't even think of showing any knowledge of the importance of the game situation if you play on the line or have tackling responsibilities, since that might cause you to ease up or save your body for a more important situation. Since we, as finite human beings that could die at any moment are watching, players must be willing to crush themselves or their opponent into dust. Or, at the very least, pretend. Real hard.

2) Showboating. If you enjoy DeSean Jackson's antics in addition to his productivity, you are a bad person. Feel bad about yourself. Since everyone who plays the game the right way hates that kind of thing, you have to as well. And if only DJ could learn to see the error of his ways, we can all love him without reservation. You know, as if he were just like 98% of the rest of the league.

1) Disrespecting the media. After all, the media is the representatives of the fans, and are true and accurate mirrors of the public, since we all make media-level salaries, and have people apply makeup to us before we pontificate on camera. So when you don't take their questions seriously, or don't give them a quote or answer questions after a difficult loss, that just means you are not fulfilling your obligation as professionals, and don't care about the fans. It's all the same thing.

If I've missed any, please add them in the comments...

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