Saturday, January 8, 2011

NFL Wild Card Weeked: Sunday Drinking Game

It's the Sabbath -- the day that Jebus himself brings the booze and wants you to kick back and avoid work. So don't look at the following as debauchery that will make you a train wreck for work on Monday, or the sign of a greater mental breakdown. Instead, think of it as penance. They both involve saying things you don't mean, right?

On any of the folliwng events, DRINK...

> When Matt Cassel is praised for somehow continuing to play football after not being a star in college (he's so brave!)

> Anquan Boldin cited for results that don't show up in the box score, since he doesn't have any other kind

> Thomas Jones fluffed for being old and, somehow, not useless

> Ray Lewis leads the pre-game circle jerk

> Ray Rice or Dexter McCluster described as having limited powers of invisibility, since they are several inches smaller than the average player

> Joe Flacco credited for going to the playoffs every year, as if it's been all his doing

> Dwayne Bowe given all credit or blame for the Chiefs passing game

> Brent Celek drops a pass and the audience is told that he rarely does that, even though of course, he does

> Announcer fellates Jon Kuhn since he's just so darned throwbacky

> Defensive coordinator Sean McDermott described as if he's somehow not a liability

> Donald Driver priased for being somehow useful despite his crippling, crippling age

> Michael Vick's back story is discussed, since no one has ever heard about this before

> Clay Matthews has his hair cited

> David Akers praised for his awesome and wonderful year, despite the fact that it mostly ended a month ago

> Either coach is praised as they are either making a ridiculously bad timeout, replay challenge or playcall

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