Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Please, Daniel Snyder, Sue Us Too

Here's the story of the year in Blogfrica: Washington Redskins Owner/Ayatollah and general embarrassment to Scientology (and yes, that does require considerable effort) Daniel Snyder is threatening to sue the Washington City Paper for saying mean, mean, mean and completely verified and truthful statements of fact about him and his reign of error. You can get the details right here.

Now, a small moment of sympathy for The Daniel. As a similarly height-challenged man in America, I understand his pain. I know what it's like to compensate, perhaps overly so, for our lack of physical standing through the medium of humor. I get what it's like to have a certain kind of woman -- shallow, clueless, entirely hate-effable women -- to basically put your in the Do Not Consider file, because she can't quite get over the fact that unless you are willing to go through neck pain, you are also going to be staring at her cans. I also get what it's like to have to work harder for a promotion or title, or to use that perceived rejection as fuel to do more and more and more.

I'm also an Eagles fan. So there's that whole Nate Allen's career for a twilight year of Donovan McNabb to consider, along with the fact that in your entire tenure, I've never had so much fun watching the Redskins.

So, Daniel, really -- bring it in. Take my halfling-esque hug of total and complete sincerity. Walk around my hobbity Man Cave, enjoying the low ceiling lights and fans, the not quite full-sized electric fireplace that heats the room, and not quite full-sized fridges that hold the beverages that I drink as I sit back, year after year, and watch your team lose with a parade of musical kickers, revolving door offensive coordinators and quarterbacks, and brand-name free agents and coaches that are taking you, and your Charlie Brown with the football fan base, for every dime they've got.

And do just one more small favor for me, and for my family. My little, little family.

Sue us.

You see, we've said mean, mean, mean and hurtful things about you, too. Along with, well, tens of thousands of other sports blogs, gossip sites, personal sites, Facebook pages and so on, and so on. Don't go looking out on the Internets, Daniel. It's startling, really, just how few people have any use for you at all. You'd get all depressed and stuff.

And with the Internets, it's becoming increasingly unimportant *where* someone is when they say anything bad. Sure, you've got a bone to pick with Washington City Paper, because someone actually handed you a paper copy of it, and that made it seem real and all, but really... many more people went to that story online. (Why, it's right here.) In another five to ten years, there might not be any hardcopy newspaper for you to brandish in your tiny little fists as your Redskins stumble to another 6-10 season, assuming the NFL still exists and all. It'll all be Web sites, just like this one, all of them fighting for eyeballs and notoriety and CPM ad buys and the like.

So if you can sue us, for any reason whatsoever, really, that'd be a help. It would, assuming that you don't make a habit or career out of such things, get us a nice burst of Web traffic, get laughed out of court from any competent judge, and do absolutely no damage to your reputation or public image. And one more short guy will have gotten a break.

So whaddya say, Danny Boy? Sue us? C'mon, you know you want to...

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