Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Top 10 Super Bowl Prop Bets

Oh, the wackiness of amateur betting! It's almost as if it's not a vice, or a guaranteed money maker for reprehensible corporations that traffic in human misery. But not yours, provided you bet wisely. Let's get right to it!

10) National anthem length. I can't get into this bet, because it involves paying attention to the anthem. Honestly, haven't you heard this song enough? Unless someone is going to do a Shatner-esque rendition, speed-read it off like an '80s FedEx ad, or give it a dramatic, pause-filled Christopher Walken-esque reading, I'm just happier giving it a miss. Besides, you're going to be spending the next five-plus hours staring at the screen, since it's the one event a year where you aren't supposed to skip the ads, so...

9) Coin flip. People give this one way too much play, as if it's the single telltale sign of a gambling problem. Look, if betting on a coin flip is a bad idea, then why do roulette wheels exist? I say go for it. It's the one bet you'll make that you won't chastise yourself for someone making the wrong choice on later.

8) Jerry Jones shots. Honestly, if there is any better indictment of how much the current telecast standards of the networks that broadcast the NFL, it's this bet. Jones will have nothing to do with the outcome of this game. It's not his team, he's just the host, and to my knowledge, the host owner has never appeared on a Super Bowl telecast before. But the over/under on this happening? 2.5. Once again, it's the bet that requires you to either root for Jones to appear, or live in (greater) fear of him doing it. No winners here, really.

7) Brett Favre mentions. Just like Jerruh, really, but with the mention of the media's very favorite drama queen carpetbagging turnover machine. How about we just replace all of these bets with an over/under of the times that Fox pulls it and seasons the audience?

6) Exact number of touchdowns. This one is awesome because you get the possibility of a last-second crushing failure in garbage time, and there's really nothing better than your gambling payoff lost on a play that the guys on the field don't care about. Nothing quite says vice like losing money for no reason. No reason at all!

5) Longest field goal. What can possibly be more exciting than rooting for a field goal? Why, a long field goal, of course! The over/under here is 43.5, which seems fairly low to me for a quasi-dome game with two reasonable kickers, but what the hey -- you are betting on kickers. Extra special bonus if you go for the over, and have it bang off an upright, so that you can *really* obsess over your poor luck.

4) Safety bet. I suppose the odds for this are better than an ordinary game, given that the defenses get after the QB and both teams don't turtle up from in deep... but honestly, if you are watching the game at a party and losing your fudge over a safety, especially if the game is out of hand? That's good Problem Gambling evidence right there. Your intervention could have an open bar!

3) Total punts. It's kind of like taking the under, only for people who achieved profound orgasms during that Ravens-Giants Super Bowl that might have been the worst game ever played. (Remember, America? It's when your big game QBs were Trent Dilfer and Kerry Collins. No, seriously, that happened.)

2) All cross-sport props. Honestly, if your gambling mojo can only be stoked by matching Blake Griffn's rebounds, Rajon Rondo's points and assists, or some odd amalgamation of hockey goals against made field goals... Well, I'd like to think that these bets are just here to amuse people, and that no one actually bets them. But, of course, we know better. And that no sportsbook does anything without getting paid.

1) Arrests. No, seriously, you can bet on the number of NFL personnel that get taken to the Big House before the game. Personally, I think this one is just candy, since you could place the bet, then go to Dallas and do your level best to try to influence an NFL player to take a swing at you, triggering the drunk tank fill-up that would make your nut for you. Either that, or you can run a sting operation, probably with your wacky neighbor, and pitch the whole thing as a later Fox sitcom. Get creative, people!

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