Monday, February 7, 2011

Top 10 Ways That Brett Favre Will Try To Get Back Into Packer Fan's Good Graces

I want you, Gentle Reader, to know that we will never, ever live in an NFL Without Favre. Even last night, as a team that he has not played for since 2007 won a championship that he actively tried to oppose as a member of a division rival, we still had airtime from the World Wide Lemur spent on defending the legacy of the biggest drama queen and phallus photographer in the league's history. Even as the announcers were discussing the MVP performance of his successor, an achievement that Favre never did in his career (for the record, in his two Super Bowl appearances, he was the same mixed bag of hell that he was in the rest of his playoff games), and how this was Aaron Rodgers' day... well, um, no. It's time to give up hope.

We will spend the rest of our lives either reading about a Favre Comeback, getting details on how retirement is treating him, being subjected to his enlightened views on all things NFL, or suffering through color analysis and studio fake laughing and/or moralizing about These Kids Today. World Without End, World Without Favre. You Shall Have No Other.

So since we're at that point in the program where Packer Fan, who is just nicer than most for reasons best left unexamined (seriously, you people live in Wisconsin, why are you so damned cheerful about it?), wants to bring the Prodigal Gunslinger home to their bosom. And yes, they've got bosoms. That much cheese will do that to people. But there's still the last three years, and that near Super Bowl for the Vikings, to contend with. So watch for Brett and L'il Bret to...

10) Join the Bears, so he can ruin that division rival as well

9) Take a job as QB coach in Green Bay, because Aaron Rodgers clearly needs his guidance at this point to achieve True Greatness

8) Become mayor, put on weight, wear white suits, and order the local police to chase after AJ Hawk and Clay Mathews in weekly televised hijinks

7) Open the area's first boudoir photo studio with Mark Chmura

6) Single-handedly stop the NFL lockout by the skillful threatening use of his cell phone

5) Arrange for Jenn Sterger to get a job with the team, so that the town has a local woman under 200 pounds

4) Free cole slaw with entree at his local steak house, with bottomless soda refills

3) Take a pioneering job with Fox as the first ex-NFC employee who didn't work for Dallas

2) Arrange to have every man, woman and child clothed in free Wrangler products

1) Retire, then unretire, in a Packer jersey every Groundhog Day until death

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