Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Top 10 ways to make kickoffs safer

The NFL is looking to make kickoffs safer by bringing touchbacks out to the 25, and moving kickoffs up to the 30. What else can the league do to make these exciting plays safer?

10) Replace the kicking balls with Nerf

9) Outlaw wedges of any kind, and anything else that relates to blocking

8) Prevent any player on the coverage team from running up to the line of scrimmage, which should also more or less eliminate any chance of an onside kick being recovered

7) Special new two-hand touch rule on the returners

6) Clipping now defined as attempting to block a man in the back, rather than actually doing it

5) Kickers to be spun in a circle five times before each kickoff, so that directional kicking is much less effective

4) Out of bounds kicks to also be placed at the 25, just because it will be easier to remember

3) Only white guys are allowed to return kicks, which should cut down on all of that dangerous speed

2) Let all of the players know that if they aren't really super safe on kickoffs, they will lock out the union in a heavy-handed attempt to force concessions that might not be at all necessary, given the overwhelming revenue and ratings gains throughout the league

1) Just put everyone in a dress and ballerina tights and be done with it already

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