Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Top 10 Muppets To Call In Your Soccer Court Case

In one of the more breathtaking examples of how Soccer Player is very, very special, a Munich goalie has sued another goalie over a televised insult as to how he should join "The Muppet Show." Damages of over $28,000 are being claimed, and a Munich court will hear the case this week.

Now, I could go into a lot of broad-based insults as to how much the German people have fallen -- honestly, you folks have really gone a long way down since being the last white people that other white people fought in a war -- or how the trial is going to take six months at least, since every few minutes, either the defendant or the plaintiff is going to be writhing on the ground in apparent agony. But I'm going to eschew that for a more useful course of action. Namely, which Muppet should be called to the stand, to determine the goalie's relative utility to the Muppets. Since the truth is always a defense...

10) Scooter. You can pretty much put this guy on the stand and have him cop to anything, really, so he's a good opening witness to set the tone. Just make sure you don't push him too hard, since he comes from money and has probably had men killed before. It gets dark out here in the land of felt and hands up the asses, and darker still in soccer, where the teams are occasionally owned by guys with reputed mob ties.

9) Lew Zealand. Not sure what a fish-obsessed guy who throws boomerangs has to do with soccer? Me neither. The jury will be confused, and you'll be getting the mistrial you need to get out of court fast. Plus, fish are slippery, and after a few get past the prosecuting keeper, it's all over for his case in the eyes of the jury.

8) Uncle Deadly. Honest and for true; Jim Henson thought a sinister blue dragon-esque lurking terror was a good idea to give the name Uncle to. This really deserves its own "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" storyline, really. Put him on the stand, and let's find out what happens in soccer locker rooms after tough losses. I bet it involves diving.

7) Statler. The dom half of the old men in the balcony team and the biggest reason why old white men are seen as the generally whiny killjoys that they are. But don't be fooled. Without his easily dominated partner, he'll fold like a cheap suit, leading to fiery courtroom revelations of elder abuse, deviancy and drug abuse involving household supplies. It'll lighten things up nicely, really.

6) Sam The Eagle. Why pass up an opportunity to arouse anti-American sentiment in a German court? It's not as if those people are thrilled with out 60-year military presence, given the behavior of some of our less apt recruits, or that some bad memories have not been passed down over generations. Besides, Sam's always good for saying something really regrettable under pressure, and likely to get all bent out of shape if someone swears.

5) Miss Piggy. The closest thing the trial will get to poon, the self-centered diva pig is bound to liven things up and give the Munich court a diversion from your plainly inadequate case. Don't expect them to fall too much for her, though -- that's more of a Frankfurt thing.

4) Janice. Go for the sob story of the only Muppet with a confirmed case of hepatitis, owing to her long and sad history with the degenerates in the Electric Mayhem. She'll know more about the sordid world of soccer groupies (we understand there's a lot of diving involved), as well as knowing how to slip one past the goalie.

3) Gonzo. The stuntman, failed showman and livestock enthusiast (chicken plucker) is bound to send the remaining chance of a non-mistrial resolution down the memory hole with various sordid confessions, explosions, and all-around freakish nose antics. Be careful where he points that thing; it might go off.

2) Kermit. As the Internet sensation of Sad Kermit has shown, the down on his luck frog MC is prone to do anything -- and we mean anything -- for a few dollars to feed his various horrifying habits and personal demons. He'll say anything you want, under oath, for just one more rush.

1) Crazy Harry. Now that the trial has gone to hell and your only hope is a security breakdown and chaos, bring in the jaw-droppingly crazy Muppet that more or less predicted the rise of Islamofascist extremism. It will play especially well in a country with real security concerns, a high underclass that identifies well with extremists, and just enough Soccer Fans to get well and truly devoted to the cause of a single player's aggrieved besmirchment. And hey... it's still more entertaining than actually watching soccer, right?

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