Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Top 10 takeaways from the Bonds conviction

10) Since the feds weren't able to make a perjury charge stick, we can no longer add the word "lying" to the phrase "bag of crap" while describing him

9) Obstruction of justice usually only carries a 15 to 21-month sentence, but since that was in the old and undersized sentencing era, Bonds might do 10 years

8) Somewhere, Sid Bream can't stop giggling

7) The jury deliberated for four days, only two of which were spent wondering about how big Bonds' head grew

6) The defendant sat stoned faced through the verdict, which is a pretty common side effect when you take this many PEDs

5) Bonds flashed a victory sign to a few fans outside the courtroom, which is sad on both ends of that thought

4) Prosecutors have not decided whether they want to continue to pursue the perjury charges, because it's just been such a ball of fun so far

3) Bud Selig actually tried to spin this as a positive for baseball, because Bud Selig is secretly a performance artist

2) If you believe Bonds is telling the truth, it was all his trainer's fault, and a small mammal is about to leave chocolate for you in connection with some form of religion

1) The Giants had no comment from their spectacular ballpark that was bought and paid for through the actions of the man on trial

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