Friday, April 8, 2011

Top 5 Fantasy Baseball Dick Moves

OK, the season's started, and it has already become abundantly clear through your infatuation with guys who have exploding appendixes and your curious all-in bets on the Rays, Red Sox and Astros that this year isn't going to end with champagne on your head and money in your pockets. So why not lose friends and antagonize people with the following feel-bad moves that will ensure that you don't have to come back to this league next year?

5) Relentless trade offers. Hey, all it takes is one mistaken mouse click, and your offer of slop for stars is a go. And if you make a few thousand offers, there's bound to be a mistake eventually. Go strong.

4) Wack smack. Sure, anyone can talk trash about an opponent's lack of game, inability to control their spouse or mother's sexual appetites, and regrettable manhood. But can you go into gut-wrenching detail about mortifying personal health issues, his forbidden love of All Things Bieber, and that thing he likes to do with livestock, the elderly, and a disturbing amount of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter? Saddle up.

3) Pyrrhic victories. If your team is bad enough in a head to head league, it's time to purge those notions that you're going to do anything more than be a spoiler. So go for the all jackrabbit offense -- stolen base savants everywhere -- and every cheap saves source available. That way, at least you'll always bleed off a couple of wins a week against the other teams, setting up the next trick...

2) Favoritism. Gosh, I meant to start all of my guys against my best friend's team, but I just plumb forgot to change my roster back, Sheriff. That's a real shame how my team took the donut against them. I'll try much harder this week against the guy I don't like. (By the way, if you do this, you are probably going to Hell. But you were already heading there anyway, right?)

1) Stream and Screw. If your league doesn't restrict the number of transactions, and you can make daily moves, it's high time for you to get your obsessive nerd on and start add/dropping marginal starting pitchers for no reason at all. In some leagues, this will restart the waiver clock on a free agent player, and prevent anyone else from making a move... or, at least, staying up with you until midnight (PST? Even better!) to futilely try to get just a starter or two before you foul the rest.

This is, basically, the fantasy equivalent of a war crime. Which means that only the really serious players do it. Are you serious?

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