Thursday, July 28, 2011

Do Not Make Me Mess Up Heath Bell With My Mind

In news you could not possibly care about, I own the following four closers in my fantasy league.

Neftali Feliz, Rangers
Huston Street, Rockies
Mark Melancon, Astros
Javy Guerra, Dodgers

Now, here's the, ahem, fun part.

The Rangers are rumored to be interested in Heath Bell, the best available closer on the market, from the woebegone Padres. Bell is a free agent after the year is over, and since he is presumed to have a functioning cerebrum and the ability to do math, won't be coming back to PadLand. The Rangers are gripping to win the West again, as the Angels have held tough despite two long Ranger wining streaks. If Bell comes to town, I'm pretty much screwed.

Street, of course, has also been involved in trade talks since the Rockies aren't much of a threat for the postseason this year, and Melancon isn't much of a closer threat, because the Astros win about as often as the Washington Generals. Which brings us to Guerra. He's been getting the job done for the past few weeks for the SoCal Expos, but he's not who they really want to have the job. That would either be Jonathan Broxton, who was last seen rocking back and forth in a fetal position while muttering the words "Matt Stairs." Or, more possibly right now, Kenley Jansen, a flame-throwing ex-catcher who has got the pure heat that many people believe is the only requirement for the job. My guy Guerra just gets outs, you see, though to be fair, Jansen has been solid for the last couple of weeks, and it's not as if either of these guys is going to be in Cooperstown with anything but a self-paid ticket at any point in their lives.

Which is when, well, The Force Of My Mind kicks in... and Jansen winds up with an irregular heartbeat and off the active roster. Right after he gets a save. 23 years old, and his heart is fluttering.

DID I DO IT? THAT'S TELEKINESIS, KYLE.



So, Rangers? Don't deal for Bell, especially after Feliz was lights out in getting his 21st save tonight. You don't think I won't pop your new closer-to-be's head like a zit if he gets in the way of my team's inexorable rise to the bubble?



DO NOT TRIFLE WITH ME. I HAZ POWERZ. Sadly outdated and gooey powerz...

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