Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I Give The NBA 10 Reasons To Sue Me, Too

Let's start things out with Lou Reed's best unknown song, shall we? It pretty much captures my mood when dealing with lawyers, rapacious greed, and billionaires locking out labor to media acclaim, if only for the following lyric:

I Get A Thrill From Punishment / I've Always Been That Way

(Though if you want to go with "Dirt is what you are, and Clean is what you're not", that works, too.)

Today, the NBA filed two unfair labor practice charges against the NBAPA; one with the NLRB, and the other in federal district court.

Now, if you are wondering how you sue for unfair labor practices at a time when you refuse to let labor practice, or go to work, or do much of anything other than sit around and wait for you to deign to pay them to work again... well, that's where I am, too. But let's take this on the merits, the same way that we took the NBA's utter bullsquat $340 million reported loss on the merits, or the league's need to chop staff and foreign offices (in that Seacausus should always be considered as foreign).

You want to know what the NBA is suing over? The fact that the players have threatened to decertify their union to make for a more effective standing in an antitrust suit.

No, seriously.

Because the NBAPA has (allegedly) threatened to do something that's within its purview to do (since they get to exist or not, independent of the owner's preference)... the NBA has sued. Twice. At a time when it's supposed to be negotiating for concessions to avoid a disastrous non-start to the season.

Now, I realize that I've just spent electrons and seconds of your life to consider a league that many of you don't want to hear about, at a time where they have plainly asked everyone in America to hate them. But this is still worth noting: the NBA is suing the players because they have threatened to do something they have the ability to do.

And well, I smell page views out of this, and with any luck at all, my very own lawsuit from people like Donald Sterling, James Dolan and Paul Allen (aka, the people so stupid, we're still kind of amazed they have money). So without further ado, I would like to threaten the NBA with the following acts:

1) At sunset every day on my front lawn, burning a Clippers flag in a military ceremony, with fife and drum accompaniment from my daughters

2) Printing multiple color copies of clean shaven photos of David Stern and drawing in little Hitler mustaches

3) Going to the Maloofs' casino (they still own one, right? Or has the Repo Depot taken it over yet?) for the breakfast buffet, and eating all of the bacon

4) Reanimating the Stephen A. Smith Sock Puppet

And he was right about Hasheem Thabeet!

5) Photoshopping the Sixers into that Wonder Woman craptacular uniform from the '80s

6) Taking Beskitas in Turkey seriously, and learning about all of their rivalries

7) Pointing out Stern's age in increasingly mean spirited ways

8) Continuing to not purchase tickets, merchandise, League Pass, or any of Sterling's slumlord flats

9) Continuing to point out Sterling isn't just a slumlord, but a racist slumlord

10) Somehow refusing the siren call of the WNBA, while noting that a 15-year commitment to something that loses money hoof over fetlock might not be consistent with a league that's so strapped for cash, it has to cease to exist to extort money away from the people who actually sweat

But we'll leave this to you, and the lawyers. Have we missed any other legal acts that the NBA could sue us over?

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