Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I Say It's Time To Mow Joe

We're going to be honest with you folks; this blogging thing just ain't paying the bills the way it used to. We need to be more innovative to keep the kids in burlap and more burlap (kids love burlap!), so we're starting a side business that's sure to make it rain. And if you get in on the ground floor, we'll franchise it in your town. But first, the pitch.

Are you responsible for your own yard work, carrying a grudge towards a particular athlete or coach from your childhood, with some disposable income and looking for a Peak Experience to validate your existence? Sure, we all are! So step right up, open your wallets and start the abuse as FTT Productions and the Make A Spiteful Wish Foundation Presents...

I Say It's Time To Mow Joe

That's right, our trained agents and bail bondsmen will find the infamous and down on their luck folks that ruined your early sporting life, hire them for the day, then get them to show up at your house and mow your yard. For an extra fee, we'll even bring the lawn chair recliners, string ties, white hats, mint julips and video cameras that will make this not just a treasured memory, but the YouTube clip you'll insist on playing at your funeral to a small crowd of confused onlookers.

And just look at who you can get!

Philadelphia - Joe Cowley, Mike Mamula, Bobby Hoying, Von Hayes, Shawn Bradley

Boston - Tony Eason, Antoine Walker, Dennis Boyd, Petr Klima

New York - Chuck Knoblauch. Lenny Dykstra, Derrick Coleman, John Vanbriesbrouck

St Louis - Don Dennkinger

Denver - Maurice Clarett

Seattle - Shawn Kemp

Dallas - Roy Tarpley, Quincy Carter, Bobby Witt

Bay Area - Billy Owens, Jim Druckenmiller, Chris Brown

Nationwide -- Stephen A. Smith

Please note that any abuse that you rain down on these men, as you question their competence to even use power tools or walk in a straight line, should be verbal only in nature. Though I suspect if you tip enough, a few Singapore style caning shots are probably in play, especially for the guys paying alimony and child support.

At I Say It's Time To Mow Joe, we're responsive to your needs and eager to add new wish fulfillment personnel to our ever-growing roster. So suggest yours in the comments. And thanks for your business!

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