Thursday, August 11, 2011

Today's Top 10 NFL Summer Camp Takeaways

It's time to cram for this year's fantasy football drafts, kiddies. As a public service, I'm going to I read terrible, terrible update newsletters so you don't have to, then give you the skinny on how you should act on the info. Let's wallow together, shall we?

10) Peyton Manning Might Be (Really) Hurt!

A bulging disc in the neck for an overpriced QB in his mid-30s, for a smoke and mirrors finesse team in a division that can't possibly be as bad as they were last year? Run away! Run away! Until you remember that he's Peyton Freaking Manning, and that all of the house rules that give him a sneaky edge every year are still in play. (Those would be 8 games in a dome, great WRs, terrible run game, defense that gets off the field whether for good reasons or bad, and the fastest release since Dan Fouts.) But by all means, continue to panic. I'd like to get him after six other sexier QBs come off the board first.

9) DeSean Jackson / Assante Samuel / Andy Reid / Swoop The Mascot is on thin ice

The Philadelphia media might be the most annoying on the planet, mostly because they like to write the same stories over and over again, especially in the absence of any other event. And nothing gets them more geeked out than Big Name Is About To Die, because Big Name Is Always About To Die in football. Anyway... the upside for your draft is that the Eagles are going to be a sneak pick on defense, since the opponent is going to be throwing and behind frequently, and the secondary is now filled with guys who have pick numbers. Enjoy responsibly.

8) Darius Heyward-Bey can't stay healthy or atop the Raiders WR depth chart

Um, that's because he sucks, and the new Raider head coach doesn't feel beholden to try to pretend that he doesn't by playing him, so this is Bustville, Population DHB. If he weren't drafted in the first round as a reach several years ago, you would not know his name. And his QB is the immortal Jason Campbell. So unless your league goes 400 players deep, why are you bothering to read about him?

7) Steve Slaton might be dealt in Houston

And until he is, you can ignore him and these obvious attempts to inlate his non-existent trade value, unless your league goes to third-string running backs with fumbling issues. (Yes, Steve, still bitter about protecting you after your massive rookie year, then watching you turn into the biggest bust in fantasy. Goddamit.)

6) Mike Shanahan hasn't decided on a starting RB in Washington

And if you read past his name, and are still looking to own a guy in the original Death To Roto Players Camp, you deserve what you get.

5) Ricky Williams signs for the minimum in Baltimore

What, you thought that your Ray Rice move was going to just result in a final end to timeshare, two thousand yards and TDs play? This is the NFL, folks. If your RB isn't in a timeshare, you root for an idiot team. Sigh.

4) Plax Burress can't stay healthy

And everyone else in the NFL who didn't spend big bucks to bring in an aging jailbird, when they already have the same and better in Jericho Cotchery, snickers. The blowhard ain't always right, folks. Leave Plax to the guy who drafts to win 2006.

3) Austin Collie is back on the field in Indy

And is just one more concussion away from changing his name to Anthony Gonzalez, or Drooly McMumble. Roll them dice!

2) Andy Dalton has got the inside track to the starting QB job in Cincy

There might be an ownable player in Cincy this year, only because Fat Drunken Criminal Ced Benson is going to get 30 carries a game, which should result in 60 yards, and a touchdown every other game when the Bengals somehow manage to avoid getting shut out. And yes, I am talking myself into another horrible year of owning Fat Drunken Criminal Ced Benson! Thanks for noticing!

1) Chris Johnson is a no show in camp despite potentially losing a year in service time for free agency

And dammit, he should hold out, seeing how the life of a running back is roughly akin to that of a fruit fly, and he's grotesquely underpaid. Fight the man, Chris! (And yes, I don't own him in my keeper league, where he's the crown jewel of the defending champs for wildly below market rate. That has nothing, I tell you, nothing to do with my opinion.)

Come back tomorrow for more...


snd_dsgnr said...

No mention of the Redskins priming to take over the division? You as scared as I am?

DMtShooter said...

Oh, Rexy. You so kwazy!

(Didn't see those comments until this morning. He'll be in the overnight.)

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