Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Fantasy Baseball Is Punishment For Our Sins

In March, I prepped for the league.

In April, I drafted.

Ever since, I have massaged and managed, tweaked and fiddled, all to get so close to the finish line. The champion has already been determined; he's a monster that can only be taken down, I think through league-wide collusion with everyone agreeing to delete all of his trade requests without countering

But there's still good money -- 3X the buy in -- for second, and a 1X buy in for third. Fourth place would be the same as last year, and cause me to become insufferable on levels that are in no way justified by the amount of cash involved. But so be it.So as the clock runs out on the regular season, every single little moment -- every ratio quirk, every non-start from a player who is being rested before the playoffs, every good moment for the other four teams -- is just Mad E Ning.

So as I'm up late dealing with a crisis at the day job, here's what I see...

1) Blake Beavan, a Seattle starting pitcher who was good his last time out, facing a terrible A's team in the SafeCo Pitcher's Protection Haven... gives up 7 ER in 5 IP. The A's had 4 baserunners and 4 whiffs the rest of the night. This guy was beyond horrible. Oh, and the Mariners scored no runs while he was in the game.

2) Hiderki Kuroda, possibly making his final start for the Dogepos in a year where he refused a trade rather than leave the team, pitch six scoreless innings in Arizona to mitigate the Beavan Mess... but the Dodepos, of course, score a whopping one run while he's in the game, and promptly give that one back on the next two hitters as soon as he's gone. No win for you.

3) Micah Owings coming in for the DBacks and giving up 5 ER to blow any chance of a save for my Javy Guerra grab... but wait!

4) Blake Hawksworth doesn't cover first, then gives up enough additional two out damage to create a Guerra save opportunity after all! It's all going to work out! Until...

5) Guerra comes in with absolutely nothing, walking the first man. But that's OK, because we just need a single freaking out, and Ryan Roberts has never hit a grand slam... well, OK, that's no longer true. Grand slammy, DBacks win, and my team is now at risk for its own Braves/Red Sox-level collapse.

And yes, I know this means nothing to anyone other than me, and unless tomorrow is a raw boned disaster, I'll still take down the 3X cash out, and feel reasonably relieved at the payday. But if tomorrow closes the same as today? SO. MUCH. HATE...

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