Sunday, October 9, 2011

51 Reasons Why Andy Reid Should Be Made Coach For Life

Now, you might look at this headline and think that I'm being sarcastic, or that my mind has snapped from watching too much of this team. But I have to tell you, Gentle Reader, that I've never been more serious. Look at all of the advantages we get from decades and decades more with the Fat Man.

51) To serve as an object lesson to every other NFL team about the danger of signing free agents

50) He's the winningest coach in the history of the franchise, and if we keep giving him chances, he's bound to add 4 to 6 more wins a year and make this record really meaningful

49) It takes a lot of coaching talent to lose a road game by just seven points when you turn the ball over five times

48) No one else in the league is innovative enough to give an offensive line coach the defensive coordinator for funsies

47) The Eagles are single-handedly keeping the Wildcat formation alive, and the WILD!cat is WILD!

46) Once we decide that he's Coach For Life, we can starve the beast that is Philly talk radio

45) Without Reid, there would be no hard count fourth down not going for it play

44) Front office continuity is the key that's gotten the team all of these yummy free agents

43) Football coaches that don't win Super Bowls or improve their teams always get better with age

42) As a general rule, people in Philadelphia care about sports too much, and Reid For Life will fix that

41) Even at his late age, the man keeps finding new and fascinating ways to lose

40) Lifetime employment lets us see if he can, in fact, eat himself to death

39) Coach For Life will show everyone just how tough Jeffrey Lurie is, and that's important, dammit

38) If Reid got fired, he'd go get another job and scar some other franchise with his Rich Kotite II impression

37) New York, Washington and Dallas are all major media markets, and need special help to compete for a playoff place

36) His red zone play calling inspire the nation's dominatrices and S&M enthusiasts

35) The Eagles' recent draft picks are very popular in 31 out of 32 NFL cities

34) The franchise clearly regrets letting Dick Vermeil go before he won his Super Bowl, so it can never let another coach go ever again

33) Several local and state police departments depend on him not being at home to look after his adult kids to justify their budgets

32) We'd miss those unforgettable one-note losing press conferences

31) We've never seen a team where every starter on defense gets benched in sequence

30) By keeping him around, we're sure to keep LeSean McCoy's touches so limited that we'll be able to enjoy him well into his '50s

29) No more expensive road trips or playoff stress in all of our lives

28) This is giving all of the networks that cover the NFL such joy

27) Helps keep Phillie Fan nice and appreciative for their comparative happiness

26) Will make the name change to the Philadelphia Reids, and the change of the team's mascot to the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, much less painful or inexplicable

25) After another decade or so, even Football Outsiders will turn on him

24) By not holding him responsible for the team's performance, we give hope to every terrible boss and awful CEO

23) Now that Al Davis is gone, we need a new figure of ridicule from one-time competence to long obsolescence

22) Eventually, his vision of an NFL game with no running plays will be achieved, and the team will prosper from familiarity

21) By making Reid Coach For Life, Eagle Fan will get back hundreds, if not thousands, of hours of his life back

20) We won't have to worry about staying up late to watch football games any more

19) Going to home games will become affordable and not so crowded, and allow us to meet new people from other NFL cities

18) Since the way of all flesh is system failure, the Eagles under Coach For Life Reid will be able to teach essential truths

17) When a good linebacker or safety comes to the laundry by accident, in another ten to twenty years, we'll really notice and appreciate him

16) Team will eventually just draft nothing but local college players for the attendance boost, and give the team a real small-town feel

15) Reid For Life will do wonders for the Flyers and NHL, the Union in soccer, Temple football, Big Five basketball, lacrosse, competitive eating and watching paint dry

14) Ensures that DeSean Jackson will go to a good home, where he'll get lots of sun and fresh air

13) Makes sure that no matter what happens, Brent Celek will keep getting five targets a game

12) Gives the nation a chance to see just how much hate a town can generate for its team before giving up entirely

11) Retroactively diminishes every team that beats them, in both this and previous years

10) Lets everyone know that in this results-driven world, some things are not subject to the tyranny of positive outcomes

9) If we commit to this path, the team will stop having so much national attention, and soon

8) Will quickly readjust expectations to a much more reasonable level

7) Significant discounts in licensed team apparel would soon occur

6) The wearing of paper bags to games is a cheap and affordable way to stay warm, and ties into the team's commitment to recycling

5) Will prevent more NFL teams from having to undergo the trauma of rooting for one of our old quarterbacks

4) We really need to see, on a scientific level, just how many ways a team can lose a football game

3) The longer Reid has the job, the more unified the fan base will feel in their desire to be rid of him

2) There's always the chance that someone in the Philadelphia sports media will snap and go on a killing spree from having to cover this team, creating much needed job openings

1) By making him Coach For Life, we'll all feel better about wanting him dead

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