Thursday, January 12, 2012

Top 10 reasons why MLB extended Bud Selig's contract

10) Unlike the vast majority of MLB fans, didn't want to see him spend his declining years under a bridge, encased in cardboard

9) Really hoping that with the extra time, he can come up with a way to make the All-Star Game count

8) What he knows about the owners' conduct during the Steroid Era keeps him employed for life, and shaking in a cold sweat at night

7) His performance has really gotten better since his last evaluation, in that he's greatly increased the number of days that he wears pants to the office

6) Really enjoy watching him backpedal through another Favrian retirement charade

5) Soft hands, firm lips, no shame

4) If he can hang on for just three more years, can finally get that bastard Kenesaw Mountain Landis out of the record books

3) Couldn't find anyone else with Bud's credentials that was willing to take the job for the miserly $25 million a year salary -- no, seriously, Bud makes $25 million a year, just in case you think those Occupy Wall Street hippies are the problem, BUD SELIG MAKES $25 MILLION A YEAR TO BE AN ODIOUS PILE OF HATE-FILLED PUS, GAHHH, CAPITALISM DOES NOT WORK KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT

2) His mission to completely neuter the regular season with interleague games, the WBC, an ever-increasing number of wild-card teams and revenue sharing that's a joke isn't complete

1) Has proven, beyond the shadow of a doubt, to not be dead

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