Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Top 10 reasons why Ricky Williams is retiring

(And seriously? For a flake, he always ran hard. For a diva, he took the grunt jobs. For a druggie, he didn't miss that many games. And but for Lee Evans and Billy Cundiff, he might have even left with a ring. Admit it, you'd rather he got one than watched Eli Manning get two, amirite?)

10) Thinks that his career numbers are good enough to make it to Canton, but only if he can disappear so hard that everyone forgets the off the field stuff

9) Ever since he left the Argonauts, his heart really hasn't been in it

8) Wants to spend more time not supporting his five kids by three women

7) This will finally give him the time he needs to take the Phillies up on their offer of a minor-league outfielder job

6) By retiring, he'll have enough time to find Master P, aka his career earning's real killers

5) Wants to see if he can entrap Joe Theismann's kid into a drug bust, and that kind of thing takes time

4) Being shy, depressed, vegan and a Hindu yoga instructor doesn't prevent you from playing in the NFL, but maybe it should

3) Mike Ditka wont return his calls any more, in that Mike Ditka has never been able to adjust to mobile phones

2) Saw that ESPN documentary of himself and hated the idea that they'd have to update it before he died

1) This best positions him for a Barkley-esque post-playing career that would rival Emmit Smith for unintentional comedy potential

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