Sunday, February 5, 2012

Top 10 takeaways from MailmanGate

Out in Salt Lake City, the Jazz are involved in a nasty tete-a-tete with Hall of Famer Karl Malone about how and why ex-coach Jerry Sloan ended his career, with Malone claiming that he now has to pay for tickets (the horrors! Karl Malone has bought Karl Malone way too many Beanie Babies to have that kind of money!), the ownership claiming that he's unstable and lying, and ex-coach Jerry Sloan looking old and bitter. (OK, that last part is kind of a given at all times.) FTT is, as always, happy to cut through the he-said she-said to give you just what you need to know.

10) Since Malone played for Sloan for 16 years, he developed a psychic connection that allows him to know about things that happened outside of his presence

9) The team is clearly better off with Devin Harris instead of that undisciplined coach-killing monster Deron Williams

8) Everyone who ever watched Malone complain to the refs is shocked, just shocked, to discover that he's delusional

7) Larry Miller's kid is named Greg, owns the team, and uses Twitter the same way that any number of spurned boyfriends do

6) Malone has never gotten this organization a championship, and old habits die hard

5) Miller says Malone lied to the local newspaper, which means that Salt Lake still, charmingly, has a local newspaper, and maybe even someone who can read it

4) If not for Williams, Sloan would still be coaching the Jazz to their rightful eternal Flying Dutchman-esque destiny to lose in the first round of the playoffs

3) Everyone involved would much rather be talking about just how much they hate "Brokeback Mountain"

2) Either Sloan, Miller or Malone is lying, and there isn't a living soul outside of town who really cares who it is

1) All of this is far more entertaining than anything that's going to happen on the court for the Jazz this year

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