Sunday, March 18, 2012

The Timewaste Portion Of Our Program

So, Dear Reader, are you like me... in that you play fantasy sports, and have done so for years... and find yourself counting down the days before your fantasy draft, and doing the research to get your list up to par...

Only to find yourself, well, working really, really badly on it?

I feel compelled -- and yes, it's compelled -- to read *way* too much around this time of the year. Take, for instance, the whereabouts of one Jorge Cantu. Cantu is a corner infielder who was fantasy relevant around 2-3 years ago, when he was in Florida and hitting cleanup for a club that had Hanley Ramirez always on base. He didn't hit for enough power or average to be all that great, but he played every day and was cheap production late, so he helped me in a late round kind of way.

In the interim, he's bounced around the league, and completely washed out in San Diego last year. He was never really very good, and now that he's on the south side of his prime, will never, ever be fantasy relevant again...

BUT HE'S IN COLORADO NOW! EXCITEMENT EXCITEMENT EXCITEMENT! INCREDIBLE SLEEPER KNOWLEDGE BASED ON MY PAINSTAKING RESEARCH!

And, um, that doesn't really matter either. He's Jorge Freaking Cantu. He's not going to start the year in the majors. If he does start the year in the majors, it will be on the wrong side of playing time from Todd Helton, who the Rockies are still paying big money to, and who is now, and has always been, better than Jorge Cantu. The benefit of this research will only come into play if I join I league with more teams in it, and deeper rosters than, actual MLB. Either that, or I join a Pacific Coast League fantasy hootenanny. That would also validate my Cantu knowledge.

And of course, it does not stop there. I've read all about the Yankee farmhands. (You know, the ones that never reach the majors without a veteran or six dying of some dread disease.) I can tell you who will be the starting catcher in Houston, as if that has ever mattered to anyone outside of the principals. Need to know Cliff Pennington's worth? I'm your man, and the answer is -- non-existent. Care about the progress of Joe Savery (he's a Phillie farmhand, pitcher, and isn't really up to his name)? Or whether Casey McGehee will beat out Pedro Alvarez for the right to be the Pirate third baseman that no one will draft? I've thought hard about these things. Oh, and Henry Blanco's prospects to be irrelevant for, well, the 12th or 15th or however many years he's played in the majors. They are... very, very good. Airtight.

And yet, because I have to be complete and inefficient and as stupid stupid stupid as the day is long, this will continue. And I will get a few nuggets, many of which I will overplay, all in the name of "this is how it's always done."

When, well, I could just get an untold number of hours of my life back by just cutting to the chase of the end game rankings and sortings, which will happen... on deadline, because I am stupid stupid stupid as the day is long, and have never gotten over the teenaged girl need of cramming for the test on deadline.

So... back to the research! Oooh, look, Jamey Carroll's with the Twins now, and bound to take over the shortstop position while hitting low in the order for a terrible lineup. FILE IT AWAY....

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