Thursday, August 23, 2012

In Fantasy Football, There's Always Someone Dorkier -- And More Self-Torturing -- Than You

Feel free to play this in the background while you read this.

We're in the last 2-3 days of fantasy league prep here in the Man Cave, which means the following six step process.

1) Read too much so that I know info on literally hundreds of guys that won't be drafted. This can't be avoided. OCD Is Not Fun. (But I know about Vai Tuau and you don't!)

2) Start your draft prep, then get distracted and feel inadequate, then stay up too late trying to get it shiny again. For, like, every other draft I've ever done. It's A Process.

3) Sneer at the draft prep and tout columns that are part of the vital procrastination process. Crapping on Michael Turner? BRAVE, INTERNET TOUT, BRAVE. Oh, and I do not care about your twerpy PPR game or your HDH game that does not count Week 17, because my game is yearly cumulative and counts everything, which makes it MUCH BETTER THAN YOURS. ACCEPT THIS.

4) Hate myself for doing all of those things that aren't room or draft prep. Work? Walking the dog? Going the gym? Being a dad? Showering? Sleeping? All distractions from what I should be doing. And all things I will do, while hating myself for doing them. The lesson, as always, is that this is crack for nerds.

5) Get to the place where you hate your team, even when it isn't even drafted. (Helps to have keepers here.) In my league, I'm keeping Philip Rivers, Darren McFadden and Roddy White, in that all of them were at favorable contract rates. Expect all of them to struggle huge, get hurt, and cuckold me from taking the true #1 guy that I needed at all of these slots. (Oh, and I thought about keeping Fat Ced Benson and Brandon Lloyd, and didn't on either. Draft those guys. They will own the Earth. Assuming I don't somehow get them back.)

6) Then ping-pong to the place where you feel good about this team / hate on everyone else's, because what the hell, it's all a super-injury crap shoot anyway. Go throw darts in the dark, it's the same damn thing.

Now, have I helped your draft prep with any of this? OF COURSE NOT. Welcome to my world!

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