Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Top 10 lesser-known Dez Bryant conduct conditions

By now, everyone has word about the Cowboys trying to provide some guidance -- because dammit, discipline is something you do FOR people, not TO them, so quit yer bitching young man or so help me I'll... -- for their universally regarded as troubled and talented wideout. And you know that he's got a curfew, has to have a 3-man team with him when he's out, and so on, and so on. But as always, FTT gets the details that other Web sites miss. (How do we do it? Lying!)

10) Must floss at least four times a week, and have someone watch him do it

9) If he wants to rub one out, must not do so in the weekly counseling sessions, or in front of the security team

8) Not allowed to have meat on the cheese plates, and vice versa

7) Prohibited from going on eBay, Etsy or QVC after that last Highly Unfortunate Incident

6) Only allowed to use Twitter while having proper spelling and grammar, so, well, he's not going to be on Twitter

5) Absolutely forbidden from wearing. or dating, white after Labor Day

4) When he hits his mother, can not do so with a closed fist or with a foreign object

3) Can not ask how well this plan worked out for the Cowboys with Pac Man Jones

2) All jewelry must be paste or zirconium, and he has to pay for it out of his allowance

1) If he completes ten full years of this conduct, never gets into any trouble ever again, and becomes the best WR in club history, gets his manhood back in a blind trust at age 40

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