Friday, August 3, 2012

Top 10 reasons why the Browns sold for over One Billion Dollars

10) New owner Jimmy Haslam is hairless, favors unitards, and likes to suck on his pinkie

9) Believe it or not, a billion dollars means the Browns are worth less than the median NFL franchise, which is why NFL owners light their cigars with peasants

8) By matter of default, something in Cleveland needs to be worth money

7) Team's constant turnover at the skill positions offers incredibly lucrative merch and jersey sale opportunities

6) As they enjoy a loyal following without wins, there's such potential here in the event that they ever fall into some, you know, talent

5) Their new owner made his money in truck stops, so the counting skills may not be all there

4) Haslam is an ex-owner of the Steelers, so he had to pay a cost premium for his terrible, terrible betrayal

3) New ownership is under the impression that the franchise has a rich and storied history, all the while forgetting that all got packed up and shipped to Baltimore

2) As the Browns were bought in 1998 for $530 million, and have made the playoffs once in 15 years, it seems only fair for the Lerner family to turn a $470 million profit

1) The very rich are different from you and me, in that they can fail over and over again and still get paid

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