Tuesday, September 25, 2012

If You Are Entertained By Scabs, You Are An Asshat

Replacement Engineers, No Doubt
Hey, you know what would be more enter- taining than a properly officiated pro football game?

A knife fight. To the death. Pick one lucky so and so from each NFL team, and the survivor is the Super Bowl winner. Get your Hunger Games on.

Or, perhaps less illegal and bloody, but no less disgusting, a contest where each team tries to make the other vomit.

You're right, too dark. Perhaps competitive pooping. Length, symmetry, delivery time. We can educate a lot of people on what they should be looking for there.

Or a food fight between the cheer leading squads. Or mud wrestling. I'm kind of amazed this one hasn't happened yet.

Maybe you'd prefer head-up hooliganism, where each team's biggest (by weight) fans go at the other's car with a baseball bat and an oxygen tank. Oh, and for each penalty against a player, they have to remove one item of clothing.

Wait, you say that would make a travesty of the game?

Yes, but wouldn't it be Entertaining?

Game is so *boring*, you see. It can be watched without betting. It rewards people who actually measure and attain talent, rather than just get lucky with injuries, or be better at thuggery. It requires competent officiating, and commonly understood rules and punishments. It's aided by decades of rivalries and development, traditions and history, and meaningfulness based on statistically understandable results.

So, if you are the kind of contrarian asshat who wants to defend the scabs, or talk about how much fun you've been having at the BBQ as Roger Goodell Nero fiddles...

Well, can you please go, you know, watch the channels that routinely show Trainwreck Entertainment, and leave us this single functioning meritocracy?

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