Tuesday, November 20, 2012

10 Chant Ideas For Eagle Fans For The Next Game

We Can Do Better Than This.
Next Monday night, the 2-8 Panthers come to town to face the 3-7 Eagles, in what is very likely to be the last home night game (please, Lord, some small favors is all that we ask) in front of a true national audience for several years. The Panthers have no road fans to speak of, we are assured that there will be no Nick Foles Uprising to distract anyone from the stench of this regime, and the other two remaining home games (against the Bengals in a NFLN game, and the Redskins two days before Christmas) hold no juice whatsoever. Besides, this team isn't worth watching, let alone watching in cold weather.

So the stands are going to be filled, in all likelihood for the very last time under this staff, with a relatively large house of actual Eagle Fans, or at least the luckless saps that took their tickets at any percentage of face value. Which means that it's going to be the last time you really get to share your opinion, in relatively close proximity, to Coach For Way Too Much Of The Rest Of Your Life Andy Reid.

Philly Fan, Do Not Disappoint Me.

Because, well, you really are the last chance at any form of entertainment value from this collection of highly paid offal. And just booing listlessly, leaving at the half when they (inevitably) trail, and a few rounds of Fi Err An Dee... there's so much more that's possible, really. You've all got cell phones, we've got a week to prepare, and there's no way that anything more than a handful of these guys are going to be here in a year and a half. You can say pretty much anything to any of these people: they all Do Not Matter.

I'm actually excited to watch an Eagles game because of you. Seriously.

So, with that stated, a few humble suggestions for some crowd chants.

10) QUIT. The nice part about this one is that it works for so many people, really. Nnamdi Asomugha has to secretly be 45 years old and has saved enough stolen cash to go off to a lifetime of failing to catch children off his lawn, right? Michael Vick either can't be in bright light or is totally fine to play, despite being concussed by anything above a stiff wind. Jason Babin's clearly snapped from the exposure to Such Vileness. And unlike many of the things that we've asked them to do this year, we know they can do this.

9) GARR - ETTE. The national media is so in the tank for Andy -- according to Steve Mariucci, this team will never have a better coach, and if that's the case, I'd like to disband the franchise, since it means that winning a Super Bowl here is impossible -- so let's give ESPN the chance to sell hours of outrage by chanting the name of Reid's dead son at him, in the same cadence as the classic DARRYL chant. And hey, the coach was back to work two days after the man died, and the team dedicated the year to him. So it's a measure of respect to remember him in this way, no? (No. Which doesn't mean it won't happen, or be, to use Babin's favorite word, Vile.)

8) GOOD BYE AN DEE. This has the fun iambic rhythm of every good stadium chant, and works even for the 14 people in the building who aren't on the payroll that still feel kindly towards the gasbag. It's especially nice if you spend many quarters doing this. Hey, 14 years is a long time. Saying goodbye is just polite, really.

7) TIME'S YOURS. The conversational crutch of hundreds of Orwellian press conferences should end with Reid's regime, and on some level, I'd really like to see if tens of thousands of people serenading the man with his pet phrase could actually get him to not say it after the game. (I'm betting that he'll still say it, because, as his play calling shows, he hasn't listened to anyone for, like, well, ever.)

6) WE WANT KO TIGHT. What's wrong with a little sarcasm? Nothing, says I, and it's just not something you expect to hear from a big crowd that's only known for it's hate. Besides, it's high time we rehabilitate the most hated coach in my lifetime, simply because it's a small reminder that we've lived through worse. I think.

5) SELL THIS TEAM. Why is Jeff Lurie getting off the hook for this con job era? Besides, if we somehow embarrass him on national television, maybe he'll finally find his Little Jeffs and perp walk Reid, rather than let him shamble off in the off-season. Or somehow let him decide that it would be OK to continue this farce for one more year. (Also, um, if he wants to sell, that's fine by me. I'm not exactly filled with confidence with who the next choice will be after five years of waiting around for someone to go with him to the bathroom and drop this deuce.)

4) FIE ERR (ANY). Why limit yourself to the coach, when nearly every other player is also devoutly wished to be gone? It can become something of a running joke, too, especially with so many players having easily chanted names (Nam Dee, Bah Bin, Mack Lynn, Coal Man...)

3) BOB BEE AH PRIL. HOW ARD MUDD. JIM WASH BURN. HOW ARD ROSE MAN. How better to show how knowledgeable the fan base is, than to call out the equally terrible position coaches and GM? Besides, if Reid won't quit, maybe we can shake loose some of his lackeys. They might not have Reid's unmatched ability to ignore reality.

2) BRING BACK JUAN. Basically the more recent version of the Kotite chant. After all, we can't assume everyone in the building remembers Richie. Lucky bastards.

1) (TURNING YOUR BACK ON THEM IN UTTER SILENCE.) Imagine the creepy unease that would take over the field and media when, with the Eagles coming out of the tunnel and the cheerleaders and fireworks going up, in a coordinated effort, the stadium performs the Wave Of Disgust by rising, turning, and refusing to look at the field. Or the slowly growing disquiet on the telecast as people across the country wonder what's wrong with the sound on their sets, or the ESPN hype hucksters start to realize that no matter how much fake enthusiasm they put into their voices, this is going to be nothing more than 3 to 4 hours of awkward.

I'm not asking for bags, or signs, or anything that will get you tossed or vilified.

Just stand up, turn around, and turn your back on them.

After all, they did it to you.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It is funny that last night a friend of mine suggested jokingly that if the Eagles fired Reid before the season ends, they could bring back Juan Castillo. Hey he is still on the payroll and has coached on both sides of the ball.

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