Wednesday, December 19, 2012

FTT Off-Topic: Of Course Batman Smells

As always with FTT O-T, not sports, enjoy or not. Sing it, Mister Robert Goulet!

Some would have you believe that this gratuitous insult to the Dark Knight is simply childish malfeasance, or proof that everyone is watching the action for the villains. I, personally, just view it as a simple fact, and not even something that his fans should dispute. Let's get into this.

Now, even the biggest Batman fan has to admit that the man is human, and humans, well, smell. Bats also has to deal with the following factors, none of which will help him in the fight against BO.

 1) Extreme physical activity. In a routine patrol, Bats will haul himself up skyscrapers, fight untold number of physically fit henchmen and villains, sprint, roll, dive, etc., etc. Dude is getting a workout, and he's also generally older than most. I can tell you from undergoing my most strenuous workout program after 40, the sweat comes out of you in buckets. (Also, depending on your diet, the flatulence. But I won't presume that he's got those sort of health issues.)

2) Confining costume. One presumes that the Batsuits are dark to cover sweat stains, and even if all of  the wealth of Wayne Industries is behind the goal of wicking away moisture and being a breathable garment, that thing is going to catch and hold heat. Add the cape, utility belts and boots (oh, dear God, the boot stank has got to be horrid at the end of a shift), and we're talking about a PVC funk at the start of the night, then PVC plus trapped labor by the end. Not good. Alfred the Butler probably spends most of his time on the laundry alone.

3) Long shifts without a change. Bats rarely gets through his day to day without some kind of stress, and this can lead to long fetishy periods where he's confined and contained by people, who, well, probably will not  stop keeping him in a stress position just so he can go to the Little Heroes Room. Perhaps this is adding to his general ill-tempered demeanor?

4) Close contact with human and actual scum. You have to think that the henchmen in the Bat Universe are not known for their pleasant odor and attention to cleanliness, and some (Killer Croc, specifically, though I suspect that Joker's musk of grease paint, cotton candy and death is also more than a little pungent) have to be downright terrible. Also, you're frequently chasing these people into the equivalent of crack dens and sewers. No wonder the man goes a little easier on the women in his world, even when they are trying to kill him. Besides being easier on the eyes, they are also probably the only people  in his day to day that aren't peeling the paint off the walls with their stank.

5) Technology and office environment. This is a man who carries around explosives, does his own repairs,  spends untold hours in a dank cave with live bats (and bats are not house or cave broken) and handles crime samples from detective work. No way he's escaping some funk.

6) It's a weapon. Come on, people -- he's Batman. Of course he's not going to pass up the opportunity to add a weapon to his arsenal, especially for close quarter combat. My bet is that his musk actively inspires fear and stupidity, since his enemies seem to make such howling blunders in his presence, rather than just, you know, kill him in a non-dramatic fashion. Why wouldn't it be the Bat Musk?

If I've missed anything, please, by all means, add it in the comments. (And finally, Robin always smells like Axe products failing to mask Hostage Flop Sweat. On this, I will brook no disagreement.)

1 comment:

Tracer Bullet said...

I have to believe that, if anyone has conquered BO, it's Bats. Maybe he lines his suit with Bat Baby Powder or carries Right Guard in his utility belt. Look at the high-quality tail he scores. I can't imagine Catwoman, Vicky Vale or Wonder Woman are trying to get trapped in a wave of Bat Funk.

Ads In This Size Rule