Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Top 10 takeaways from the Lance Armstrong Oprah Interview

A bit on the nose
10) Armstrong is prepared to name names, which, given that these other people were employed in cycling, really is kind of impressive

9) The interview will run on Thursday after happening today, because it takes that many hours to cut together non-lies

8) After this, no one will ever be able to wear neoprene bracelets in a non-ironic way again

7) The real loser in this fall from grace is testicular cancer, which is definitely going to lose its status as an in vogue cancer

6) As a condition of the interview, Armstrong had to give performance enhancing drugs to everyone in the studio audience

5) Several Livestrong staff members broke down in tears from the news, in that they were the last people in America who still believed in Armstrong

4) Since Armstrong cheated to annoy and defraud the French and cycling fans, it can be argued that this was a victimless crime

3) Oprah only agreed to do the interview if Armstrong helped her to ruthlessly compete against her cable television rivals

2) As part of the confession, Armstrong is going to pay back the U.S. Postal Service, which would be the first revenue gain that organization will see since 2009

1) This allows, for one last brief and shining moment, Armstrong and Winfrey to both regain cultural relevance

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