Thursday, February 21, 2013

Stick A Fork In Andrew Bynum, Please

Just Make It Stop
The Sixers have now played 52 games out of an 82 game schedule. They are 22-30, 4 games out of the 8th seed in the East that will be road kill for the Heat. They aren't even that good, really, given that they've played 6 games more at home then on the road. The offense is stagnated by the lack of a second quality option behind Jrue Holiday. They shoot the second lowest number of free throws in the Association, don't shoot a good percentage from the field, and have the sixth worst percentage from the line.

They are, basically, a star level player away from being watchable. You know, the star they traded their best player for before the season began.

In any reasonable situation, we'd be sticking a fork in them, especially since the seeds in front of them (Boston and Milwaukee) have been better in head to head, and are far more likely to make a move. So what's going to happen instead?

Well, Andrew Bynum might decide that his widdle knee doesn't hurt so much any more, and that he can try for five or ten games, or just long enough to get a max contract from some NBA team that decides that owning one of the five to ten 7-foot tall men in the world who can be useful at both ends of  a basketball court is worth the risk.

Can I tell you, now, just how much I've come to hate this utter and complete assclown?

I get, still, why the Sixers did the deal. Getting off the Andre Iguodala Train was the right thing to do, especially given how much he's struggled with his shot in Denver. Finding a quality big is always the holy grail in the NBA, the way to punch a playoff ticket for a decade or more.

But man alive, after 52 games and counting of theft, that guy is clearly not Bynum.

Does he train? Maybe his hair dressers. Is the injury legitimate? Not enough to keep him from bowling, practicing or making it to the dinner table. Does he have any interest in playing here? No more than he does in playing getting paid anywhere.

You see, Bynum is all about making the most amount of bank for the least amount of effort. He's the same sack of garbage that tried to end JJ Barea for the crime of being the best bench player on a Mavericks team that was ending his Lakers with prejudice, and went off the court like he was some kind of ultimate fighting twerp. He's smart enough -- barely -- to see that even Greg Freaking Oden is going to get another contract, so an entire year of ruining a franchise is no problem at all. If he ever wins anything of importance, it will be as the third or fourth option on a team, and with some veteran hard-ass (Kobe Bryant, basically) kicking his sorry can all the way across the finish line.

Are we being too hard on a guy with an injury? No. Bynum's job is to play basketball. He doesn't keep in decent enough shape to do that. Are we letting his utter and complete lack of sophistication with the media, who he seems to want to delight with some fresh hair idea every two weeks, color our thinking? No. He's a grown man, for God's sake, not a rook. And are we just calling out his manhood in an effort finally goad him into, you know, showing up and doing his damned job?

No. There's no manhood to call out. He's just a thief, and a waste of talent, and the biggest tease in the NBA.

And if the Sixers go and re-sign him after this exercise in fraud...

Well, then we know that this stopped being a basketball franchise, and has become some kind of ethics-free exercise in psychiatry. And one that they'll feel is impossible to avoid, given the, well, reason they made the deal in the first place.

So, Andrew?

Come back right away. Blow out that ball of fat and gristle that you call a knee.

And prove to us that you, and the Sixers, are cursed by condition, rather than character.

Since this would be the best possible outcome, in that it will get your chapter of Sixer history over faster...

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