Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The Five Stages of Fantasy Baseball Draft Prep Procrastination

Also, a funny caption
Stage 1: Denial

It's still freaking February, for God's sake. There's no reason to do rankings a month (ok, four weeks) before your draft. You don't know how many guys the WBC will kill, or if JA Happ will destroy another season or six, or how many guys will get hurt from sleeping on their eye or eating a burrito with the flesh-eating bacteria. WAIT, DAMMIT, WAIT.

Stage 2: Bargaining

Don't I know all of this stuff from last year's draft prep? The only way to win these things is to get lucky anyway. Remember how when you went all-in on Dan Haren, the most bankable and trustworthy strikeout to walk hammer in baseball not named Cliff Lee, and then Haren more or less turned into Boom Boom Tommy Hume? It's all luck, luck I tell you.

Stage 3: Depression

Good God in Heaven, Mike Trout was a cheap protect last year. He's going to be a cheap protect for the next 10 years. And he's not on my team. I'm going to spend the next decade sucking the tail pipe of the guy who has Trout. And if Trout ever gets hurt (he won't), there's no way I'm catching the guy who makes a million trades. I remember when I was young, and had time and energy and interest enough to get the guys like Trout. 1987 Jose Canseco in the 16th round. I was so young then. Jose, too. Now, it's all so dark and sad and I just can't...

Stage 4: Anger

The million trades guy made me ANOTHER freaking offer? Only marginally better than the last crappy offer? DOESN'T HE KNOW I HAVE NO TIME? And that all of my players are better than his? Well, that's it. HE'S AWAKENED THE BEAST. I'm going to spend the next three weeks massaging these rankings, going into fake drafts and auctions, spreading false rumors about other people's protects (BREAKING: Mike Trout has feline HIV and pregnancy, which is why he's gained so much weight -- he's carrying a litter of diseased kittens in his thighs. There goes the speed) and BRINGING NERDY BACK. What, you don't have 60 catchers ranked by pro-rated VORP? I MUST BREAK YOU.

Step 5: Acceptance

You know, ranking more than 25 to 30 catchers is pretty pointless in a 2-catcher, 12-team league. These Yahoo default rankings seem a lot better than I remember.  And Mr. Tradey didn't win last year, and he's getting married this spring, so there's no chance that he's going to be as well prepared this time. (I really need to send his fiancee a gift. Say, the overpriced rights to Billy Hamilton. Which would eat up his bench, rather than mine.) And there's really only so much regular season basketball I can watch, given how my Sixers are unwatchable...

So, draft's in four weeks, huh? Plenty of time. Plenty of time...

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