Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Top 10 Ways To Celebrate Nnamdi Asomugha Release Day

Oh, the memories
The other shoe finally, finally, finally dropped today, and the personal incarnation of the wildly failed free agent spending spree / red giant phase of the Andy Reid Era was shown the door. Given how this is one of the few very good days to have been an Eagles fan in the past while, I'm not ready to just let this go. So join me, won't you, in prolonging the good feelings that you get from Nnamdi Asomugha Release Day by...

10) Changing your last name to Asomugha, so that you can clothe your family for the rest of time in 90% off licensed apparel at your local sporting goods store

9) Baking a cake to celebrate, then burning it to ash with a flame thrower

8) Popularizing the latest dance craze, the Nnamdi, where you let your partner get behind you and then fall down

7) Finding the most useless person in your extended family, and giving them the contents of your savings account to just go away

6) Resolving to somehow avoid any other ex-Raiders, no matter how tempting they may appear

5) Developing friendships with fans of Nnamdi's next NFL team purely for the mocking potential

4) Getting Nnamdi's home address, then camping outside his door to panhandle. If/when he gives you any amount of money, throw it in a sewer, then ask for more

3) Just set a bunch of loose bills on fire, stare at them with hatred, and feel no warmth no matter how close you get to the flame

2) Go to the most expensive restaurant in town, empty your wallet on the table, and leave before your food or drinks come

1) Engage in Asomugha-style sex, which is to say, sex where you at least five yards away from your partner at the moment of orgasm while being filled with a profound amount of shame

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