Friday, July 12, 2013

Top 10 reasons why Ilya Kovalchuk is leaving $77 million on the table

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Kovalchuk, for those who don't know the NHL, is a 30-year-old star who retired from the New Jersey Devils today, despite having 12 years and a fortune left on the table. Why is the Russian star walking away?

10) Spending your '30s in New Jersey rather than Russia is clearly worth, um, a lot of money

9) Martin Brodeur smells like onions and feet

8) Convinced that James Gandolfini's death was no accident

7) You can't spend $77 million back in Russia without buying the entire country anyway, and really has no taste for landlord work

6) Wants to prove to Gary Bettman and the rest of the NHL pinheads that lockouts actually do cause lasting damage, since he'd never have known how much fun it was to play in Russia without that

5) Knew that he'd have gotten amnestied at some point anyway, which is a mighty nice word for Management Welch

4) Given the competitiveness of Russian sports team owners and the cost of living in New Jersey versus his home country, might actually increase his take home pay this way

3) Was desperate to avoid road trips to Brooklyn, because he's deathly afraid of hipsters

2) Had a hard time believing that a franchise that plays its games in Newark was going to remain solvent for the length of the deal anyway

1) Can't wait to get home to join in the non-stop fun that is Russian Driving

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