Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Top 10 takeaways from the Ryan Braun suspension

Toodles, Cheater Boy
10) After this shocking fall from grace, the only thing that Braun has left is a contract worth tens of millions of dollars, and a local fan base that will mark out for him if he, well, hits next year when he returns

9) Being forced to miss the last 65 games of the 2013 Brewers season really seems like cruel and inhuman punishment, really, no, seriously

8) Before everyone marks out for how Matt Kemp Wuz Robbed for Braun's MVP year, maybe we need to take a second look at Kemp's nonstop recent injury history

7) You will be shocked, shocked to learn that Braun probably made all of his sleazy connections while in, surprise, surprise, The Great State Of National Embarrassment That Is Florida

6) Braun says that he realizes now that he's made some mistakes, the chief of which was being an inveterate liar and cheat

5) The announcement made everyone stop pretending to care about the Matt Garza trade

4) Braun's scandalous behavior will finally give America's racists the excuse they've been looking for to hate Jews

3) Realistically, everyone should have known that Braun was a fraud, since he was actually a good offensive player in this neutered era

2) Alex Rodriguez is probably next on the PED Death Watch, assuming anyone still gives a fart in an elevator about Alex Rodriguez

1) Someone's still going to draft him in the first round of your fantasy baseball league next year

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