Tuesday, August 13, 2013

A Brief And Obvious Point About Your Fantasy Football League And Team

Our Hero
See that image on the left? If you Google Image Search "Fantasy Football Nerd", he appears in the first two lines of images. And the site hosting it is... THIS ONE. I've never been prouder of the blog than right now, people. Moving on...

If you...

> Have been in the same league with the same people for decades, and some of the players have more or less willed their teams over to their kids, or been owners to their deaths, or stay in the league only because of the societal ties, rather than any chance of winning or fondness for the exercise...

> Have deeply held beliefs on how the peculiar rule quirks that live in your league are the very bestus peculiar rule quirks in all of Fantasy Football Dom, and that if they only received widespread notice, would change the entire game as we know it for untold numbers of leagues (Mine is five bonus points for defenses that win)...

> Perform elaborate frat boy sado-masochistic rituals to the last place finisher, just to prove how wild, crazy and in no way sad and repressed you are...

> Have the very bestus Dork Trophy in all of Fantasy Football Dom, and everyone who sees it says so and why would they lie, really...

> Set up entrance music and dry ice smoke and a Board Girl and booze and a defined space and a live draft that goes on for hours and hours and is the very bestus day of the year for everyone involved...

> Talk an unconscionable amount of trash to each other in ways that have only repeated and deepened over the years into a kind of strange sub-language all of its own

> Think that "The League" is just like what you do only not as funny, really, and you should write for the show and give them some real ideas...

Well, I have some sad news for you.

No one -- and I do mean no one, including the spouses, kids, co-workers, friends, relatives and associates that you've been talking to about this for years on end...

Gives a flying fart at a rolling doughnut...

Because talking about your fake football team is, basically, an exercise in unconscionable mutual masturbation that is only even mildly socially acceptable if you are doing it as a tit-for-tat exchange with some other truly addled soul...

And the sole reason why that exchange is permissible is because you both truly and richly deserve the unfathomable boredom of listening to someone else talk about their pud pulling.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

(And oh, by the way? My league's better than your league. Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah. And furthermore, nyah nyah.)

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