Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Five Steps To Spectacular Fantasy Football Hack Writing

This Also Isn't Helping
T'is the season, folks -- the time of the year when I spend way too much time reading writers who are trying way too hard to dress up a fairly basic exercise with their special brand of specialness. To wit, it's fantasy football tout time, and the worst writers in America are here to make you feel very, very stupid for doing the due diligence. Let's get right into the trough, shall we?

Step 1: He Who Overreacts The Most Wins

Are you concerned about how Aaron Rodgers might not last the season behind Green Bay's porous and injured offensive line, especially now that WR Jordy Nelson is on the shelf for training camp with a fairly minor surgical procedure on what might be a chronic problem? Well, sure, and if this makes you rank him behind, say, Drew Brees or Peyton Manning at the very top of your draft board, that's a defensible decision. But why do that, really, when you can say Rodgers is no longer a top tier QB1 option? Boldness gets you page clicks! And it's not like credibility or integrity in your work is, like, a thing, right?

Step 2: Please Point Out That Injury-Prone Players Are Injury-Prone

Planning to draft Danny Amendola, Michael Vick or Darren McFadden? MY GOD YOU ARE BRAVE! Or, perhaps, suicidal. Don't you know these men are prone to injury due to their past history of being injured, and that only guys with a past history of injury get hurt? Or that fantasy football leagues are only ever won by people who pick pure chalk moves? Why, the only path to prosperity is to never roll the dice on which guys will stay upright, in a profession where nearly every player will eventually be unable to answer the bell due to injury. But on the plus side, when a guy with a past history of getting hurt gets hurt, we'll all be able to laugh at him, and anyone who wants to see him do well. That's just classy!

Step 3: Inflict Your Music and Media Upon Us

Sure, the audience for fantasy football stretches from teens to seniors, with tens of millions of people reading along for the simple information... but that's all secondary to us finding out your opinion on the latest from Daft Punk, Robin Thicke and Vampire Weekend. I only trust fantasy football know how from Hip People, or at the very least, people who give actual young people the creeps by continuing to watch crap that they find beneath them. Your affection for decades old television shows and movies also makes you a trusted authority!

Step 4: Explain Everything To Us As If We Were Children. Very Stupid Children.

If you say you hate a guy, please, by all means, spend a few thousand words telling us about things like Average Draft Position, and over-rated / under-rated. These are new concepts to all of us, because we've never played fantasy sports before. If you say you hate a guy, hate him into the very fires of Hell! Or the CFL. The CFL would do.

Step 5: Argue!

Hey, do you know what's even better than one poorly considered rant that's devoid of nuance, analysis or insight? Two rants that contradict each other! If you can't fill your word hole with 1,000 words on why only tools and fools are drafting a quarterback in the first three rounds this year (because QB is so deep! crazy deep! stupid deep! 40 guys will all score the same number of points! it's like kickers and defenses! just throw a dart and cry!), just spend 500 words on it, then argue the exact opposite point with a different head shot or byline. It won't leave anyone reading the piece to wonder who they can punch in the face. Honest! Because there will be, well, two people to punch in the face. Can't argue with math, people.

And with that, I'm going back into the pit to continue the research. Actual content you might find useful for your league in a few days, honest, I promise. Without YouTube clips, musical interludes, or anything else to waste your time, since, well, you're already wasting your time by having a team. (Or more than, well, this exercise...)

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