Thursday, August 29, 2013

Top 10 takeaways from the NFL settling the concussion lawsuit

No Admission Of Guilt Here, No Sir
10) It turns out that you can put a price on human life and suffering, and that price is $765 million

9) This will severely impact the league's profitability for weeks to come

8) There is no truth to the rumor that part of the settlement is that NFLN will continue to hire the most afflicted victims as on-air talent, or that much of the money paid will be blood-soaked

7) Now that this settlement is in place and players don't get to come back in the game right away after losing consciousness, the NFL respectfully requests that everyone stops worrying their pretty little heads about brain injuries

6) As part of the settlement, ESPN execs forced to write "I will never work with PBS again" 100 times on a blackboard on a hot afternoon, then clean the erasers

5) The money will go a long way towards healing the families of players like Ray Esterling, Junior Seau and Dave Duerson, though in some cases, its more like the extended families

4) Everyone now has to use those old-school leather helmets, which, frankly, look awesome and do a lot more towards getting you to not lead with your head than anything a ref will tell you

3) With 4,500 retired players in the suit, each affected player stands to make $170K before legal fees, and $170 after

2) Retired USFL players, in a separate agreement, will receive $3, because that never gets old

1) The NFL admits no liability, or that the injuries of the plaintiffs were caused by football, because they are in the habit of handing out over three quarters of a *billion* dollars for funsies

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