Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Top 13 takeaways from Michael Vick winning the Eagles' QB competition

No Turnover
13) Those incredibly tiresome people who need to tell you how they can never root for Vick based on his past don't need to learn any new talking points

12) Vick's inevitable post-football bankruptcy just got pushed back a few more weeks

11) Chip Kelly just gave him the job so he can show up Andy Reid by actually having him stay healthy and take care of the ball

10) Racist White Eagle Fan clearly thinks it's a conspiracy, which extends down to the Eagles' opponents in preseason only trying when Nick Foles was in

9) Racist Black Eagle Fan clearly thinks it's a conspiracy, in that Vick actually had to compete for the job with a guy who has a future as a CFL stiff

8) Matt Barkley's cool with this, since he's pretty sure he'll have the job by Halloween

7) Now it can be told: Riley Cooper's YouTube racism video was simply done to test Vick, and he passed

6) Vick is said to have regained his confidence and love of football from being around Kelly, which sounds like BS until you realize that what he's really saying is that being around Reid drains people of both of these things

5) This makes the Eagles' offense much harder to plan against defensively, since with Vick under center, the ball fumbler can be anywhere

4) Kelly wanted to keep the competition going on longer, but Dennis Dixon just kept demanding an answer

3) With the news, Vick's jersey is officially off the clearance rack at local retailers, but there's a pretty good chance it'll be back there again soon

2) The league's officials and chain gangs are happy with the news, since it's going to make for a slightly slower offensive pace

1) By winning the job, Vick allows for one of the more curiously enduring NFL traditions to continue: the annual overrating of Eagle offensive players by fantasy football honks

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