Saturday, September 7, 2013

Ten Questions For Inflexible Tim Tebow, Who Has Plenty Of Time To Answer Them

Nice Shirt, Tim
The report today, on the World Wide Lemur (that reacts to the idea of getting away from Tim Tebow like a heroin junkie facing an empty needle, but it's not like I'm not going here again as well)...

Is that God's Own Terrible Quarterback will not consent to a position change, or plying his trade in a lesser league. Which leads to a few questions for the one-time second round draft pick (oh, Josh McDaniels, you misunderstood comedy genius!) and Heisman Trophy winner...

1) Which NFL QBs, specifically, does he think he's better than? After all, if he isn't interested in a change, he must think he's better than some of the 64+ men who are currently employed to have that job. A simple list is all we need here. C'mon, Tim. Throw Charlie Whitehurst, Seneca Wallace and Kyle Orton under the bus. You know you want to.

2) Since three teams have decided that they really can live without his services in the period of time in which just 16 regular season games have been played, to what does he owe his faith in continued employment? If there is a deity insisting that he not give up the dream, we really should all know that.

3) What does he have against Canada, assuming there is a Canadian team that's so hard up for PR that they might want to bring him in? I'm betting it's the socialized medicine. But seriously, Timmy... Warren Moon became a star north of the border, then came back to the States and played for the better part of forever. You could be just like him! Only without the throwing ability.

4) Can he please tell us everything that is wrong with Arena Football, since he's turned down work from those people before, too? I'd like a wide-ranging teardown of that timewaste on the record, if for no other reason than I'm convinced it's a big part of the reason why we've never gotten a true spring league.

5) Has he failed to save (or, worst yet, tithed off) enough from his football checks that he will have to file for unemployment, and if so, would a state grant it, since he could be employed if he just agreed to a position change?

6) How familiar is he with those "Pride is the original sin" parts of the Bible, since refusing to play other positions really does seem to be running over the line on that?

7) Does he think that Tom Brady enjoyed having him around in a non-ironic fashion, or was his utter and complete lack of professional threat level refreshing from a back up?

8) Is he, in any way, being sponsored by ESPN to keep doing this, perhaps on an affiliate level for Web advertising CPMs?

9) Would he be available to appear in costume at Pittsburgh area charity events, where donaters get to sack him against a green screen before he completes that ball to DeMaryius Thomas to end their team in playoff walk-off OT?

10) Will he agree to appear as the lead plaintiff in a class-action lawsuit on behalf of all of the other Rapture Prone players who the NFL is systematically discriminating against?

Play me out, Arrested Development guys...


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